Allergy Season

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Hi, Mary. Thanks for the invitation to your dinner party. Unfortunately, I’m allergic to many, many foods. Best I not trouble you with my dietary needs. So sorry!

2. Hi, Mary. Wow, your list of hypoallergenic entrees is amazing. I can’t say no to your invitation on the basis of my food allergies. However, I’m also allergic to many, many household items. Best I not trouble you with my environmental needs. So sorry!

3. Hi, Mary. Wow, your house must be a marvel of hypoallergenistity. I suppose that I can’t turn down your invitation on the basis of house dust and cat dander. However, I’m also allergic to you.

Do you really mean this?

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Dave: I’ve received your invitation. It seems sarcastic. Do you really mean to invite me?

2. Dave: Thanks for your explanation. Your invitation is not sarcastic. However, your explanation seems snide. I can’t abide snide.

3. Dave: Thanks for your explanation of your explanation. Your invitation is not sarcastic and your explanation is not snide. But your explanation of your explanation seems patronizing. I cannot attend an event presented by an individual who patronizes me. Sorry.

My dog ate the invitation.

(“My top three excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Howie, my dog ate the invitation you sent, and died. Funeral is the same day as your party. Sorry.

2. Howie, thanks for the second invitation. The cat ate it and died. Funeral is the same day as the dog’s. Sorry.

3. Howie, thanks for the third invitation. My mom ate it.

I want to come!

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. I want to come but my mom says if I do, I’ll be grounded for a week.

2. I want to come and my mom is ok with it, but my dad says if I do, he’ll beat me like a drum.

3. I want to come and my mom and dad are ok with it, but my jealous sister Gwen says if I do, she’ll let Brian kiss her on the lips. This must not happen! Brian cheated to win my favorite marble, The Peach, plus he’s a moron and a toad.