10 Scientific Theories of Existence

(Article in The Huffington Post, 11/20/11)

10. God created the dark and the light, the land and the water, the sun and the stars, although science can’t tell us in exactly what order.

9. God didn’t do it. It just happened. Science can point to the fact that it’s right there in front of your nose.

8. Once we get away from God either doing it or not doing it, we get into more esoteric territory. God’s wife did it. God’s brother did it. Like that.

7. Now we branch out, stretching our  brains. Existence? You prove it. We’ll tell you if you’re right.

6. What is existence? What about when you’re asleep? Are you still there? If you’re my wife, you are, because I can hear the snoring.

5. If you break it down, get smaller and smaller pieces, finally, there isn’t anything there anymore. Suppose you take a bite out of a chocolate bar. Now take a bite half that size. Now take a bite half that size. Keep going until you throw up your hands and say, what’s the point, I can’t even taste it. This is why science doesn’t believe in diets.

4. Two nerdy scientists walk into a bar. They order beer and when it’s served, they chug it down. The big, brawny barkeep expects to be paid but one of the scientists says, I can prove that existence doesn’t exist, so I don’t have to pay. You can imagine what happens next.

3. One way to explain existence scientifically is to prove that there is life after death. If you die but crop up somewhere else, something must be happening, existence-wise. We’ve checked out quite a few mediums. It’s surprising how lonely most of them are.

2. You can’t prove anything like this with words. I have a Masters Degree in Science, but I just talked somebody into it. Hit your thumb with a hammer. Build a birdhouse. Get into a twelve-step program and sit there in the church basement listening to person after person telling you their troubles while your bottom is aching on that metal folding chair, and then tell me that existence is imaginary.

1. Pray about it. Prayer is free, unlike Phoenix University and Heald College, and when you’re done, you can turn over and go to sleep.

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2 Responses

  1. 10. God only had six fingers. 9. God had a nose, hence he had six senses. 8. Now you are getting all Hindu on me. 7. I have a long story about this one. 6. Sometimes in the morning, I don’t hear my wife snoring, and I worry. She can’t hear me snoring, because of my CPAP machine. Without it, would I still be alive? With one, would my father still be alive? 5. Now we’re down to neutrinos. 4. What if he asks for a free lunch? 3. Death is about as real as it gets. 2. I am a bad nailer; I often hit my thumb. My birdhouses would be slums; the birds do better on their own, occupying trees. I’ve never been in a twelve step program though I step over and over again at the gym, so I know that I exist. I’ve always wondered what the point of bumper stickers that say, “God Bless America” are. I presume He’s already made up His mind and we were Predestined to be blessed even before the first pioneers crossed the Bering Strait.

    Seriously, it is amazing to consider that the universe exists, that the earth exists, that I am alive and aware of my existence. You can’t make a story like that up.

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