Teens Discover New Ways To Hide, Consume Alcohol

(Headline in The Huffington Post, 11/15/11)

Just to be clear, teens invented alcohol, back in those prehistoric days when precious few of the tribe made it past the age of twenty.

For the same reason, teens invented sex, hunting, gathering, and fur clothing.

A fourteen-year-old girl, feeling rebellious like they do, had to take it out on her pet tortoise, which was the only thing older than a teenager in the cave.

How the alcohol thing happened was, the cute-girl clique went out gathering one day and came back with a collection of grains, fruits, and the odd root. They gave the rebellious fourteen-year-old with zits the whole mess in a fur bag and told her to prepare dinner. She dumped the bagfull of stuff  into a rock pot and left it sitting out in the sun all day. When dinnertime rolled around, and all the teens were lounging by the fire enjoying some major preprandial hemp, the girl poured off the fluids that had accumulated  in the pot and served it around, and everybody present got righteously tight on top of their high. Thus was born “drinking.”

Cut to the 60s. Girls hid nip bottles in their beehives. One reason the braless fad died out was the need for C cups or bigger to secret pills and cigarettes in.

Cut to nowadays. Parents go on interminably about their wine-tasting trips to Napa and the cases of fine vintage they’ve brought back. They keep fifteen brands of flavored vodka on the shelf. Microbreweries proliferate. Even Mormons are doing grape jello shots. What a bore. You’re a kid with a favorite? Just add your bottle to the shelf. By the time you sober up, you’ll be an adult too.

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One Response

  1. I am not an adult yet.

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