Doctors Shocked As Ultrasound Reveals Face In Testicular Tumour

Headline that appeared in the Huffington Post a week ago.

This is a family blog, but I think we can have a responsible discussion about the lowly testicle here.

I knew a young woman in graduate school who thought a cat’s testicles were his kidneys. Education is important, even on this page.

Therefore, my top five memorable sets of testicles:

5. Guiness record for most testicles in one scrotum: Dennis O’Toole (5).

4. Strangest-looking: Brian O’Murphy, whose scrotum, for some reason, is green.

3. Guiness record for lowest-hanging: Patrick Owen O’Connor (2 inches above the knee).

2. The “ghost” testicles: Queen O’Brian was told by a soothsayer that if anyone saw her son’s testicles, including her son himself, that son, Sean O’Brian, would die within the year. The queen had the child delivered and diapered by a blindfolded doctor and nurse team, and thenceforth, his privates were never uncovered. Sean lived a long life (never married) without ever laying eyes on, as they put it these days, his own “junk.” Some question whether he actually had any.

1. Bobby O’Reilley, the first recipient of donor testicles in their original scrotum. The young man Flynn O’Cruller was tragically killed in a car accident and when he was parted out, O’Reilley got his ‘nads. O’Reilley’s wife states that, when she’s making love to her husband and feels those things slapping against her down there, no, it doesn’t give her a funny feeling. As for having a red-haired baby, it’s all the same to her, since Bobby is a carrot-top and so was Flynn.

Cat Gets Stuck Atop Towering Cactus

So read the CNN headline on 11/11/11.

My girlfriend’s thoughts:

My ex Mike works for the fire department in town and I happen to know that the town council is considering a conversion of that department to an all-volunteer force. It would be just like Mike, the skunk, to take a cat and put it up a cactus to bring attention to his heroic damn department.

That cat was nobody’s pet. Too scrawny and moth-eaten. I was down at the pound the other day and most of those strays are a mess. It would be just like Mike, the rat, to go down there and pick out a cat to use in his scheme. He could lean a ladder against the cactus and just climb up there with the animal. As a fireman, he’s up and down ladders all day. If he did that, he should be exposed and fired. An anonymous tip would work.

And speaking of going up and down all day, if he was really such a hotshot fireman, he could have seen that cat and rescued it himself. All he had to do was climb off that underage waitress tramp of his and pick up his binoculars and look out my ex-bedroom window. It’s a straight line sight from my ex-bed to somebody on a ladder next to that cactus.

Mike you rat, I hope you are arrested and prosecuted to the full extent of the law, not just for the cat but probably for statutory rape too, because if you aren’t, the next thing they are going to find up there is a puppy.