The Pre-pregnancy Amendment

Mississippi and South Dakota are considering amendments to their state constitutions that would define the beginning of life, protected by all state laws, rules, and regulations, to occur at the point of pre-pregnancy. Improper termination of the life of an ovum or spermatazoon would be defined as murder. The state constitutions are thus to be made more clearly pro-life, not pro-choice (pro-murder).

For example, suppose that you are a young nerd with absolutely no hope of “getting next to” a woman. Then spilling your seed on barren ground, such as your bed sheets or the bottom of your shower stall, is ok. But woe betide you if you try that with a potentially fertile wife in the house! Do not tell the court that she “wasn’t in the mood,” or that you snuck some ‘zoons into her with your finger after she fell asleep. The sin of Onan kills off countless, literally countless, potential babies, even African-American ones.

The good news is that if you’re sent to jail for murder, you won’t be raped there, because of course that wouldn’t be legal either, like it is now. There would also be prison-prisons for those prisoners who do go ahead and rape you and need to be imprisioned, but are imprisioned already.

What about ovulation? In Mississippi at least, when ovulation occurs, a tiny little tasteful bell will tinkle on the front of your dress. Get that ovum fertilized asap and there won’t be any trouble.

All contraception, whether it prevents the joining of ‘zoon and ovum, or kills off the ovum after the fact, is murder. Condums are defined as concealed weapons. Erections more than one length of the member away from your wife is attempted murder.

Of course, anything kinky, like adultry, homosexuality, bestiality, incest, three-ways, foursomes and moresomes, bondage, lap dances, phone sex, or sex at a picnic, are unconstitutional, and murder.

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7 Responses

  1. However, in Mississippi, the preferred pregnancy of choice will continue to involve first-cousins.

  2. I tried really hard to come up with a way to cleverly tie in your post and your Versatile Blogger Award nomination, but it’s 4:20am and apparently my brain is not open for business right now.
    http://myforcedsmile.wordpress.com/2011/10/30/the-versatile-blogger/

  3. I imagine the faces on Mount Rushmore are discussing how difficult it would be to scoot a bit west and take root in Montana.

  4. Where’s the love button? Yeah, I’m for Onanism. Sorry. I’m just can’t handle not handling.
    Les

  5. I loved this. Spilling seed in your shower with a fertile wife in the other room would be… Involuntary manslaughter? And of the wife who “wasn’t in the mood”, what would be her sentence?

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