I become a presidential caucus delegate

I was contacted recently and recruited to the state presidential caucus. Amazing! My vote, on one single night, will help determine who runs for President of the United States next year. What a responsibility!

Of course I knew when I got the call that I was being mistaken for another, real political guy with my same name, who lives about $10 million down the block from me. No car up on blocks in his front yard! (If he has a front yard, down at the end of that winding drive behind those stone walls.)

The candidate campaigns began contacting me immediately and I soon had met a number of famous people:

Somebody Cain (I forget his first name. Starts with an H) – As soon as this guy grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him, staring into my eyes, I knew that he could make me buy a car or vacuum cleaner, or anything else he wanted. I pray that he never knocks on my door right after I’ve got paid on a Friday. How come there are more Cains than Ables around?

Rush Limbaugh – I’m pretty sure he’s not running for anything. That’s a good thing because he don’t look healthy to me. Fat, red faced, sweaty, big cigar in his mouth, cute little thing hanging on his arm. If he hasn’t had a heart attack already, he’s due, and if he has, he’s due for another.

Somebody Bachmann – This woman is wound tighter than a $2 watch. I was afraid for a second that she wasn’t going to let go of my hand until I promised her something I’d regret.

Sarah Palin – Yes, I met her. Shook her hand. She looked into my eyes and I saw something hard come over her face. I felt like one of those wolves running on the tundra with her helicopter gaining on me from behind.

Rick Perry – He was made up a little, not like a woman but like a TV news reporter. He was lively. Jovial. His handler told me that he got like that before an execution. So it happened a lot.

Mitt Romney – I was a little drunk when I met Mr. Romney. He opened his mouth and I said, “Don’t even start, Mr. Romney. I can tell you’re going to lie like a rug before you even start.” Of course I regretted that later.

I never met Newt, who they tell me is still running. Newt. Newt. What the hell were his parents thinking? Unless they’re named Salamander and Gecko, that is.

Eventually, the caucus folks discovered their mistake, but not before I had attended many a cocktail party and rubbed elbows, or shoulders, or whatever you rub, with the rich and famous. I guess it was my 15 minutes of fame.

The Purple diet

I’ve been asked, “If I go on the Purple diet, will I turn purple?”

No. You will turn purple when you die; or at least, your bottom half will. It’s called lividity. But you probably already know that, what with Law and Order and CSI, so forth.

The purpose of the Purple diet is to help you live longer, not to die. This should be obvious.

Note: there are some folks who do look purple, or have a purplish tinge to their complexion, especially after a hard night at the pub or in the factory sewing leather strips together, or, among the very darkest-skinned Africans, when sweaty, in bright moonlight. This is not related directly to diet, any more than a yellow complexion implies that you eat a lot of overcooked corn. Many yellow-skinned folks have never seen corn, or perhaps know only of popcorn, a top American export to cineplexes around the world.

Why eat purple? To not eat non-purple. Have you ever seen a purple doughnut? You have? Don’t eat it. Have you ever seen a purple porterhouse or purple fries? Seriously, don’t eat them if you have, particularly if you fished them out of a dumpster.

What about purple coloring additives? If you go this route, just maintain your current diet and color everything purple. You’ll hate yourself for cheating in this way, and eat less. Or more.

Purple food suggestions: blue/purple potatoes, eggplant, blue/purple beans, berry sorbet, blueberries, some blue corn, purple cabbage, dried plums/prunes, raisins, lavender ice cream, purple peppers, beets, Kalamata viniagrette, purple kale, grape jello, radiccio, purple pole beans, purple cauliflower, Purple Jesus, purple yam cake, cranberry sauce, purple carrots, blue corn meal, taro, purple basil, blueberry catsup, purple asparagus.

Questions: What if my specimens of the above are not quite purple, but more reddish or blueish? What if the vegetable turns green with steaming? Answer: What is color, anyway? Who’s to say that you and I see the same color when we look at something? My left and right eyes see slightly different colors. Listen. Get something purple, cook it if necessary, and then eat it! This is not religion, where you fret about every little commandment. Thou shall not steal. Thou shall not lusteth after the babe next door, who does not need the Purple diet. What she needs is a steady diet, alright, a steady diet of… aw, forget it.

Celebrities who might have tried the Purple diet: Oprah. Kirstie Alley. John Goodman. Al Gore. Gabourey Sidibe.

Do diets work? Not to be a buzz kill and go dark, but if the Purple diet fails you, rest assured that at some point in the future, the ultimate diet – death – will work like a charm.