New Trend in Suicides

“Zanesville, OH – Eccentric resident releases 57 wild animals, kills self.”

For years we’ve had to put up with deranged men storming into businesses and schools, shooting up the joint, and then blowing their own brains out. Now at last a healthier trend is emerging.

Some recent examples:

– John Smith, prominent Kansas farmer, sells everything that he owns, uses the money to buy wind turbines, erects them in his fields, and then ties himself to a heavy-duty Army box kite and allows himself to be drawn up into the middle of a thunderstorm, where he is rendered crisp.

– Fred Smith, long-time protector of shark aquatic habitats, sells everything that he owns, donates the money to Florida for the purchase of additional oil-skimming equipment, and then sails out to the shoals beyond Pedon Key, punches himself in the nose to make it bleed, and swims in circles around his sailboat until a couple of hammerheads put him out of his misery.

– Mike Smith, America’s most successful porn producer, releases 5,546 movies to the Internet, public domain, for the enjoyment of whatsoever man or boy wants to watch them, then pays his top female star $1 million to quit the business after first sitting on his face until he smothers to death.

– Bob Smith, Presidential candidate, withdraws from the race, issues a blanket endorsement of all the other candidates, including Sarah Palin if she changes her mind, and then asks the drunks down at Mike’s Bar to vote on whether he should finish himself off or not. They vote yes.

How to Debate

Watching the Republican debates, I’ve been impressed with how much these guys have to learn.

Some debating tips:

– Pay no attention to your opponent. This knucklehead isn’t going to change his views no matter what you say. Don’t bother with him. Of course, if your opponent is a babe and you’ve already been hitting on her in the green room, then start out by praising her outrageously. After that, you can ignore her until after the debate.

– Ignore the moderator and his or her stupid questions. Answer your own questions instead. All politicians do this automatically already.

– Your job is to convince the audience of your point of view. Focus totally on the audience. Ideally, choose one audience member and focus on her. If she is hot, in the front say, showing some leg, try to make eye contact occasionally, dragging your gaze up from her body to her face.

– One fact maximum per response. Do not get complicated. Truth is not a priority. Nothing to teach the presidential candidates here.

– Avoid all those fun words that you use every day to spice up your conversation. Do not use the F word, the N word, the C word, the M-F word, or the M word (Mucaca).

– Choke up on the word “Mom.”

– Finally, find someone in the audience who makes you mad just to look at. A Mexican? Some dweeb with a good-looking chick? Your wife? Focus on her for your final rant. As you finish up, have a little sweat on your brow, but don’t get all lathered up. If you’re soaking wet, you’ll lose all the women in the room, except for those few with a sweat fetish.