Dinner with the Kardashians

But not with Kourtney, Kim, and Khloé.

I was in Aparan, in Aparani Shrjan, Armenia. Aparan is a town of about 16,000 souls. It’s in a valley on the M-3, the main road between the capital Yerevan and Tibilisi. The population is a mixture of Armenians and Kurds, but I was dining with Armenians only. Armenian men.

“Tell us about Kourtney, Kim, and Khloé,” they said. “Our Kurdish friend Mamir says that they are actually Cardassians.”

“Cardassians are an alien race in Star Trek,” I said. “Kourtney, Kim, and Khloé are strange, but they are human. Their bodies have been tested by many male humans and have been found good.”

“Tell us of this testing. Do they test out as true Armenian women?”

“Their mother is of Dutch and Scottish extraction. They spring from the loins of Kardashians who have been in America for several generations. They are American bimbos, unable to milk a goat.”

“But they are expert at milking the little goat, yes?”

“So they say.”

“Their father was lawyer for O. J.? And then died quickly of cancer?”

“So they say.”

“God is great!”

“They say Kim bought a little black burqa in Dubai. What does this mean?” Mesrob said.

“It is what they do,” I said. “Kourtney, Kim, and Khloé buy things. Kim owns $1 million dollars worth of cars. She owns a 458 Italia, a Ferrari which they call “pimped out,” a Rolls Royce Ghost, a super-charged Range Rover that she could use here to drive through your herds of sheep and your sheepish men. These Kardashian girls would buy Aparan if it amused them.”

“If we journey to America, perhaps they would buy us?” said Apraham, leader of this group.

“They would buy you, use you, and throw you aside, emptied out,” I said.

“God is great!”

“Let us go to America!” Onnig said. “Let us be emptied!”

This is how, when we finished dinner, they came back to Hollywood with me. The results? TMZ reports it all in full.

[Note to readers: Armenia is 97% Christian. Aparan is home to the Kasagh Basilica, build back around 300 A.D. I presume that the Kardashians at dinner were being ironic with their “God is great” exclamations.]