9 – 9 – 9

Looks like Herman Cain and I both think alike, what with each of us having a 9-9-9 plan.

I understand that Cain’s has something to do with taxes. Snore. Mine lays out a way of life.

9 children, 9 mistresses, 9 towns.

What does this mean?

It means keep the wife pregnant with 9 kids over a period of 15 years or so.

This frees you up for 9 mistresses. You need seven for the days of the week, plus a couple for backup. Nine is enough to cover all the different ethnic groups and ages of women that you’re interested in.

9 towns means keep the women separate. It doesn’t mean towns scattered all over the country. That would be stupid. But say you live in Cleveland. Keep your women in Euclid, Linndale, Bedford Heights, Newburgh Heights, Fairview Park, Lakewod, Warrensville Heights, Parma, and Shaker Heights. This way, you’re not hitting the same restaurants, shops, and sex clubs with all of them, which would be boring.

I myself am not a rich guy. No way I could pay the rent on nine apartments for these women, so part of the deal is that they earn their rent on the side, if you know what I mean. As long as a mistress of mine never keeps me waiting, she is as free as a bird. If she turns a trick here or there, it’s no skin off my nose.

Herman Cain, being rich and successful, probably doesn’t need a 9 – 9 – 9 plan, for taxes or women or anything else. I don’t know why he bothers with it, but I guess that’s his business. I myself for sure don’t have time to be fooling around with taxes. I leave all that to my wife.

Parks and Recreation

These is a lot of park jealously out there aimed at Zuccotti. What’s so special about Zuccotti? It’s close to Wall Street? So what? Lots of parks are close to Wall Street, and lots of other parks have benefits to offer protestors.

Top five parks to replace Zuccotti:

1. Cohen Park, New York – 100 blocks uptown from Zuccotti, but fun horse-drawn shuttles to Wall Street have been arranged with Aaron and Ike and their wagons. A Port-A-Potty is onsite. One of those clowns who twists balloons into shapes will perform at the noon hour, except on Saturdays.

2. Motor City Park, Detroit -You can buy the park and every crumbling building on the block for $99.99. No bank involved; they all went out of business in this neighborhood years ago.  A few winos and addicts to deal with, but no police presence whatsoever.

3. Kodiak Park, Wasilla – Empty and quiet. You can see Russia if you stand on the picnic table (which is bolted down, so your protesters can’t walk off with it, or burn it for firewood). Far from Wall Street, true, but only two blocks from Sarah Palin’s house!

4. Wo Shih Park, Qingdao – Very easy administration this park. All protesters shot first day.

5. Tahrir Square, Cairo – You can’t do better than this. Street vendors sell grilled corn, roasted potatoes, sesame candies, various breads, and koshary (rice, macaroni, spaghetti, lentils, and chickpeas, covered with a spicy tomato sauce and fried onions, and optional vinegar). Downplay your Christianity, please; the Coptics are rioting and you  don’t want to get drawn in. Auxiliary space is available in the prison, subject to an OK from the Army.

Busking at Zuccotti Park

Suggested donation:

$1 – I show up dressed as a banker and say, “Hey, what’s going on here?”

$2 – I show up dressed as a midwestern retired person wearing Tea Party buttons, and  shout, “You’re all terrorists!”

$3 – I set up a table as a stockbroker, peddling tip sheets for $100 a pop.

$4 – I dress up as a cop and go around asking young women if I can manacle them.

$5 – I set up a short-sale table.

$10 – I show up as the head of Goldman Sachs and shout that I’ll hire the first hundred folks to hand me a resume, because I respect go-getters. I’ll need to be up on a stand to avoid being trampled.

Free – I hang out selling MJ by the joint.