News: Rick Santorum Bemoans Gay Soldiers Who ‘Shower With People’

That’s a Huffington headline.

Don’t know if it’s true or not, but I’ve heard that Rick was taking a shower at home the other day and his wife surprised him by pulling open the shower curtain and standing there wearing nothing but a grin. Rick shrieked in fear and bonked her in the noggin with his soap-on-a-rope.

They say that when he was in college, he was bending over in the dorm shower and a classmate humorously tried to mount him, and since then he’ll only use that soap-on-a-rope. He was in the gym shower at school after that and all the other guys thought that his having his personal rope-soap was sooo gay. They teased him unmercifully, not to mention twacking his bare butt with wet towels.

They also say that Rick for years after marriage would not go anywhere near a shower. He’d take a bath every day, saying, “They can’t sneak up behind you when you’re lying on your back.” They say that his wife pulled that shower trick the other day because she was angry at him for something and was just being mean to get even. I don’t know anything about his home life, but I do know that Jackie Kennedy was another one who preferred baths over showers, although in her case the tub was filled with milk, or rosewater, or champagne. Or am I thinking of Elizabeth Taylor?

Santorum would show up for work after being elected in the past only to find that no bathtub was available in his new offices. I’ve heard that he’d gather his staff and make them all swear to stay at least two rooms away when he had to step into the shower stall and rinse off after a hard day of politicing. He once introduced a bill mandating shower stalls with lockable doors and outlawing shower curtains, but the plumbing interests, looking out for their curtain-making brethern, blocked it.

The gossip is that Santorum has been invited to visit Fort Bragg and Fort Sill, and that both times when he prepares for bed in the guest quarters, gay soldiers will prank him by putting out the lights in his bathroom, and then sneaking in in the dark and grabbing him in the shower and forcing his precious soap up his fundament.

Santorum’s candicacy for president is otherwise going quite well.