He plays the game the right way

What about you, pardner? Do you play the game the right way?

97% of U.S. citizens respond that they mostly play the game the right way. 3% report that after The Rapture, they’ll be gone, so who cares? A few among that 3% responded in irate fashion, saying “It’s not a game!” They’ll be left behind with the rest of us. Soreheads.

Dogs and cats will also be left behind, not because they play the game the wrong way but because they’re not leaving without us. They play the game the right way.

Are we penalized when we play the game the wrong way? Our human refs blow a lot of calls but our Heavenly Father never needs a replay. He can set you back five yards for shoplifting or strike you down with a bolt of lightning, old school, and send you directly to Hell for your “backfield in motion.”

Can you play the game the right way and still have fun? Games are supposed to be fun, but is it fun when your sister owns Boardwalk with two hotels on it and she’s a real twerp about it? Is it fun when Grandpa spots you two rooks and then gets drunk while he beats you?

Speaking of which, I don’t play Madden Football the right way. Too many buttons. Madden himself doesn’t play Madden Football the right way. Playing video games the right way is about machines, about objects without souls, about a Godless, meaningless, vacant, useless universe, where Life’s meaning is measured out in little squirts of endorphin generated by the motion of your fingers and the colored light-patterns falling upon your retinas, and that numbness in your butt cheeks. When you play a video game the right way, you’re putting the bigĀ  game on hold until your Mom comes in, grabs you by your stack and swivel, and jerks you up out of your chair and your socks, for dinner.

Playing the game the right way is about respect. Your friends, your enemies, your acquaintances, your family, the MSM, Satan – everybody but, say, Rush and Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin, and maybe Ayn Rand if she were still alive, will respect you. If you have low self-esteem, this won’t make any difference to you, but if you have low self-esteem, you’re probably not playing the game the right way anyway. Respect is a kind of awe, because it’s so rare. Play the game the right way and everybody around you will be in awe of you. This can seem cool until you’re out on a date and make your first move. Then the awe turns into something else and you might as well be back home with your faithful dogs and cats.

Thinking back on my day so far… It’s raining. My opponent hasn’t showed up, or shown up. There are no spectators; the stands are empty. I’m in my practice togs. My heart is pure. I’m ready to play the game the right way but I’m not playing it yet.