Who is the Antichrist? Part 3

I’m often asked, does the Antichrist diet? He spends a lot of time in the finest restaurants. He has a table at Le Bernardin. He cares about his appearance, but he wasn’t blessed with that rangy, rawhide slim build of the Messiah, who can’t walk down to the corner for a pack of smokes in the Castro without getting hit on every step of the way. Nevertheless, you won’t catch the Antichrist on a Stairmaster at Gold’s. He simply doesn’t have the patience for it.

He’ll strap on a rubber cummerbund to sweat off a pound or two around the middle. He does use the finest tailors to hide those little imperfections. He will keep a beautiful babe on his arm to distract attention from his midsection. He will sometimes use a snug fit to emphasize his package, for the same reason.

He rages about this in private. He’s seen that sudden look of shock and disappointment in the eyes of a starlet when he gets naked. Now he’ll only do it in the dark, or at least under the sheets. He’ll even leave his socks on.

The Anitchrist’s lack of restraint reminds me that he’s been having some trouble with expenditures lately. He refuses to live within his means. Bank of America has tacked some rather cruel late charges onto his credit-card account. He’s known for his towering rages, but I’ve never seen a tantrum to match the one he threw when he found all of his belongings out on the sidewalk in front of the Fifth-Avenue building where his penthouse is, or was, located.

How we know it’s almost End of Days is because prophecy doesn’t allow for the Antichrist to end up on the streets of New York looking like a mentally-ill homeless person before he’s even come face-to-face with the Messiah in a final confrontation, which is where he’s headed at the moment – to a shelter in the Bowery, I mean, and not in a good mood.

And while I’m thinking of it, you know those devil kids that are always getting born in the movies, to Mia Farrow or Lee Remick or whomever? The Antichrist wants you to know that they are not him. He hates the little bastards. They’re spawn of some devil seed or other that he wants nothing to do with. Contending with Jesus Christ, as well as his weight and bank account, ┬áis more than enough for him.