Who is the Antichrist? Part 2

He’s not a member of your family. He’s not your Uncle Louie. The way it works is, if he were your Uncle Louie, you’d be begging him for it. It’s sick, I know, but that’s how the Antichrist rolls.

“The Messiah will come as a thief in the night,” it is written. In the same way, the Antichrist will come as someone who gets mugged in broad daylight. Some say that the congresswoman who got shot in Tucson could be the Antichrist, if she turns out to be a man, but I doubt it. The Antichrist won’t be a politician. Way too obvious.

What do the polls say? 75% would rather date the Antichrist than the Messiah. 80% feel that the Antichrist’s mother is to blame for his behavior; she could control him if she wanted to. She’s permissive. She lets him get away with murder. Always did. She”s in denial. As long as he gets good grades, visits her on Sundays, and promises not to marry that Shiksha he’s been hanging around with, he can do no wrong. 85% believe that the Messiah is secretly jealous of the Antichrist. I mean, the Antichrist is the Antichrist. The Messiah can’t wear dark glasses, get his hair done by Zariff, and share Clooney’s tailor. You won’t find Christ in 230 Fifth in Manhattan, sharing his cocktail with some babe.

90% are waiting for the movie to form an opinion. A guy named Frank thinks that this has something to do with the Red Sox.

95% believe that the Antichrist is a politician. See what I mean?

99% of those polled have opinions so shaky and ill-formed that I’d be a fool to even mention them. It is written that when the Antichrist comes to fully understand what a bunch of morons he will gain dominion over, he’ll hand the whole package back to the Messiah and  concentrate on finding the best forget-me-now, liquid incense, and marching powder in the U.S.

Whoever he turns out to be, I can assure you of one thing. As far as you’re concerned, he’ll be like Brad Pitt or Justin Bieber. For you, no access.