We’ve started a new dating service here in North Hollywood. Date the movie star of your choice!
Here’s how it works:
Which star do you most resemble? Go through our album of headshots and then send us your own headshot and personal information, along with the name of the star you most resemble.
If your notion of resemblance isn’t absurd on the face of it, we’ll enter you into our List of Fame.
Next, read at least one good biography of your chosen star. Study pictures of him or her. Go out to North Hollywood thrift stores and assemble a star wardrobe (we assume that if you’re participating in this service, you can’t afford new clothing, or any of the other accoutrements of a normal life).
Watch a movie or two with your star in it. Mimic the star’s voice. Don’t be discouraged by the reactions of your friends and family. People will not always be kind, contrary to Wilfred Sheed’s contention.
Now you’re ready for your dream to come true: a date with the star of your choice. Just send us his or her name.
We’ll contact that star, as represented by an individual on our List of Fame. Would he or she like to date you (that is, the star that you are impersonating)? If he or she says no, we’ll either pay him or her to change his or her mind or we’ll threaten him or her with physical violence. Either way, your date is assured!
Go out and have a ball. Part of your date’s “yes” will include sex the way you like it, within the bounds of local and moral law.
Of course, we may also contact you and ask you if you’re up for a date with Walter Brennan, say, or Danny Trejo, and you will say yes.