The Classics Diet

Do you secretly want to lose weight, but you’d never admit it because you’re above all that? Diets are anti-intellectual? No diet includes quiche and Birkenstocks? Your spouse, the professor, would never use words like “fat,” “old,” “cow”?

Do you eat with your finger raised? Your pinkie, I mean? Your pinkie finger, I mean?

The Classics Diet is not a diet. It is a way of life. You read the classics, right? Not like those other slobs on your block, who watch TV and drink and go on diets? The Classics Diet is simply another name for what we call “Method Reading.”

Being so smart like you are, you undoubtedly know all about “method acting.” How De Niro gained all that weight? How Brando hung out on the docks? Well, you can do the same thing, Mr. or Ms Smartypants, while you’re sitting there in your beanbag chair reading, yes, wait for it, one of your goddamned precious classics. While you read, you live like the protagonist does. You eat what the protagonist eats. How hard is that to understand?

Monday – You are reading: Ulysses   You are eating: the inner organs of beasts and fowls.

Tuesday – You are reading: Galway Bay   You are eating: not potatoes, that’s for sure.

Wednesday – You are reading: Oliver Twist   You are eating: gruel.

Thursday – You are reading: Dracula   You are eating: bloodsickles.

Friday – You are reading: Black Beauty   You are eating: hay.

You’re not done yet, not if you’re one of those brainiacs with a reading list of great books that you’re working your way through. Keep up the method. You’re no quitter. All the way, to the end of the list. Alternatively, you can eat the books.

4 Responses

  1. Wow, the “you” in this post sure can read fast! Ulysses in one day! Very impressive. I’ve been working on Ulysses for about ten years now, and by working on it, I mean I bought a copy, attempted to make sense of the first pages, then put it down and thought, “I will try this again later.” Time passed, and later still seemed like the time to pick it up again, and now it is quite dusty on a bookshelf, and I see it there regularly (The Ulysses on the spine is written quite boldly–it really pops!). “Later,” I still think. “Later.”

    • The Classics Diet does not require that you complete the book that you are reading while you eat, only that you “follow its lead.”

      “later i still think later” says Molly Bloom on page 434 of my edition.

  2. You could also work in an exercise program using these books. For example, Galway Bay, (“Spanning six generations and filled with joy, sadness, and heroism, GALWAY BAY sheds brilliant light on the ancestors of today’s forty-four million Irish Americans—and is a universal story you will never forget.”) weighs twenty pounds and would be ideal for hammer curls, along with Ulysses, which, in the illustrated version (liver! gentleman’s hats! mugs of beer!) with the fancy paper, weighs about the same as Galway Bay.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: