Guaranteed Weight Loss: The Straw Diet

We lock a leather mask over your mouth, with a built-in straw. Thus, you can drink, but you can’t eat.

Monday: Already you’re hungry, so you go for some Boost. Drink enough of this stuff and you’ll gain weight, not lose. Fortunately, the straw is designed to block liquids as thick as Boost. You must go for carrot water.

Tuesday: Too hungry. You dip your straw into any liquid that you can find. My God, anything to combat that awful hunger. Don’t worry. The added fifteen pounds of bloat will flush out later.

Wednesday: You discover alcohol. The straw won’t allow bubbles, so beer is out. The good thing about booze is, unless you’re an alcoholic, you’ll pass out before you drink enough to get fat.

Thursday: Hangover! Remember, if you vomit, you’ll suffocate. Worrying about imminent death while fighting your rising gorge is a great way to lose weight.

Friday: Cocaine or heroin through a straw? Of course! Ride the white horse to thin-land. Suck the powder into your mouth and then blow it out through your nose, instead of the other way around.

Wow. How did that week fly by so fast? Look at how your clothes are practically hanging off you. You’re welcome to as many of these Krispy Kremes as you want, once we get the mask off. It takes about an hour.

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5 Responses

  1. Did you know that you have written more posts about diets (19) than about classics (16)? And even fewer about sex and aging (11) and reality (9)? Also “epic” is sorely lacking at (3). Not that I mind your clever diet tips. I didn’t know you could use a straw and cocaine in quite that way.

  2. Having thought that over, I’ve decided that I spend almost no time aging or participating in reality. As for sex, well, I don’t think we need to go into that. I spend most of my time reading your blog, which I like to think of as “classic” reading, because you know how to punctuate and you use big words every once in a while. I like to eat and I do not live in LA, so I have cut the dieting down to every other day. FInally, did you know that there’s an ad on this post with a morphing midsection and the phrase “cut down a bit of your belly everyday by following this 1 weird old tip” and then there is a blue arrow that takes you to that “tip.” I know you are not responsible for this ad because of the incorrect use of the word “everyday.”

  3. I learned about the WordPress ads on my blog when somebody clicked on one of them and the link accidentally showed up in my stats.

    WordPress then told me that there is an ad-free mode, but I never pursued it. Is that what you use?

  4. I think you only get ads if you’re interesting. Like if you write about diets rather than classics. Also, the ad-free mode costs money, which kind of cracks me up.

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