The Ultimate Diet

Want to lose weight? Just can’t do it? You’ve tried everything but nothing works? You’re ready to give up?

I’m going to make you an offer that will solve your weight problems permanently. It’s quick. It’s easy. You’ll thank God, figuratively speaking, that you’ve taken this route.

The beauty of the procedure that I offer is that you have to do virtually nothing to take advantage of it. A few words, a few actions, and I can guarantee you the following:

– A long and healthy life.

– Perfection in shape and coloration. Want to be a natural blond? That’s part of the deal.

What to do next? Use this list:

– Buy 13 black candles

– Mark your calendar for the next full moon

– Remember the first time that you misbehaved in your father’s car? Find the nearst crossroads to that spot and remember it for later.

– Buy a live chicken. Do not become attached to it.

– Home in on and hone your best carving knife. Do not hone in on it. Do this purposely but not purposefully, because you don’t know for sure why you’re doing it yet.

OK. You’re ready to go!

I know. I know. You’re shaking your head, asking yourself what this is going to cost you. Nothing comes for free. You get what you pay for.

Well, you know what? Nobody believes in all that stuff about Heaven and Hell and God and the angels and the Devil and Hell anymore, do they? Sarah Palin? Michele Bachmann? Mike Huckabee? How did they get where they are today? I mean, there are plenty of morons out there voting, but really? Palin for President? Could it be that Sarah bought her 13 black candles and her live chicken? You didn’t hear it from me.

The next full moon is due in 9 days, so don’t dawdle. Hell is filling up haha.

2 Responses

  1. wait! I got the few words, but don’t you need a few more actions here?

  2. When you show up, there’s a “tutorial,” provided by my buddy Azradangle, who helps you into the pentangle, and assists with the drawing of the blood for your signature, so forth.

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