Weight Loss Guaranteed: The Mineral Diet

Minerals aren’t food. You can eat all of them that you want without getting fat. In fact, on my all-mineral diet, you’ll lose weight – as much as you want.

It’s simple:

Eat vegan “doughnuts”

 These monstrosities don’t have trace one of sugar, butter, fat, or grease. They look like doughnuts but after you’ve eaten one, and your body has gotten over its WTF moment, it will begin consuming its own fat just out of annoyance.

Eat nails

Chew them down to the quick. Anxiety burns a shitload of calories. Biting your nails tricks your body into thinking that you’re nervous.

Eat marbles 

 Better yet, lose your marbles. The insane are generally slender. Check out any mental institution. Those climbing the walls will be skinny to a man. The fatties are just drugged out on thorazine.

Drink beer 

 Altough beer is not strictly a mineral, I like to work it into all my diets.

Eat air 

Gulping air produces a satisfying feeling of fullness. Your hunger (which is just the sensation caused by contractions of the stomach) will disappear. This relief will persist until you burp.

One Response

  1. I am reading your recent weight and exercise tips with great interest. I am trying to think of another sentence to say about them, but I’m speechless.

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