How to exercise

Exercise is healthy. Of course you know this. You hear it all the time. Exercise lowers your blood pressure. Helps prevent diabetes. Etc.

You know this but you don’t exercise. And, just as you know that exercise is healthy, you also know all of the ways to become motivated to exercise, to get going, viz., exercise with a friend; choose an exercise that you enjoy; make a pact with yourself; start small. So forth.

But you don’t exercise. Instead, you turn to me. What am I supposed to do, nag you? Who am I, your mother? Nobody can talk you into this. Look at you. You ain’t buff. You ain’t going to be buff.

Fortunately for you, I have a simple solution. No psychology is necessary. No planning. No preliminary visits to the doctor to ensure that you’re not about to drop in your tracks. No need for friends or family support or special equipment.

It’s a little red pill. I send you a big bottle of them for a modest price. (I obtain them from Canada using a sort of legal doctor’s prescription.)

The pills arrive in the mail in a plain brown wrapper marked “Sex books inside.” (Old joke.)

Take one pill and I guarantee that you will exercise. If there are stairs handy, you’ll run up and down them. If there is a road handy, you’ll run down it. For eight hours, you won’t be able to hold still. Too high.

The beauty of these pills is that they are highly addictive, so you won’t need any further motivation to maintain your regimen. Plus, for the one payment, I’ll be sending you a lifetime supply.

6 Responses

  1. I have been watching Breaking Bad, season one, at your recommendation. He just killed someone with a bike lock. And he isn’t even using his own product. Have you tried yours?

    • As I’ve said before, I’m living the dream.

      Since you’re watching something that I mentioned, I ought to name the show that is perhaps my favorite. 3 seasons. Just in case you haven’t seen it: Slings and Arrows.

  2. No, I haven’t, but naturally I ordered the first season on that amazon get it now on your computer thing. I watched the first ten minutes of the first episode (there’s a big storm, they’re doing the Tempest) and I decided it was too good to watch alone. My youngest was Caliban in his school’s production of the Tempest and I’m going to watch the whole series with him. He comes home Wednesday — I miss him. He’s the only kid who’ll watch things like Downton Abbey with me.

    • Each season centers on a play. Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, and MacBeth, I think. The leads in the show are married in real life, which adds to the emotion in their scenes, for me at least.

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