Does God have a wife? What do you think? He’s God, for Christ’s sake. Of course He’s got a wife. And, He hasn’t got a wife. Get it? That’s how God rolls. He’s got infinite wives. The universe is 4 billion years old and, at the rate of one per night, or no, two or three per night, you know, a “two-fer” or a “three-fer,” say, God has still got a lot of wives that He hasn’t even seen yet, much less “known.” He could pass one of these women in the street and go, hey, what a babe, and unbeknownst to him, she’s His wife! He don’t even recognize her! And these aren’t dogs we’re talking about. There are so many babes around (speaking for Hollywood anyway) that even Satan has babes. The bad ones! He doesn’t marry them, either. He’s the Devil. He goes trolling every night. But I’m getting off track here.
So let’s get to it: Mrs. God. What’s going on with this Supreme Deity? Or Supreme Deitress? Well, She’s not some gay male wife or trophy wife young enough to be God’s daughter, I’ll tell you that. She rocks. What does she do? Is she like the First Lady, in charge of prayers from all the orphanages, and flowers blooming in the Spring, and rainbows? Or is she edgy like Hillary, with a large staff, always angling to become head of the World Bank or suchlike?
There are only two ways to find out for sure, of course: prayer and the holy scriptures.
Go ahead and try prayer first. Every so often somebody gets up in the morning with their answer, although it’s usually about what color to paint the guest bathroom or something like that.
As for the scriptures, you’ll come up short in the Bible, but fortunately there is also the Pseudepigrapha, available used from Amazon in hardcover for less than $100, which is one hell of a deal.
There’s also the Apocrypha, but it’s got nothin.
The Pseudepigrapha is a gold mine when it comes to stuff like Mrs. God. The title means “falsely attributed” in Greek, but don’t let that put you off. For the dope on the big Wife, check out especially the Syriac Apocalypse of Baruch (the Wife gets mad), Cave of Treasures (yes, that “cave”), and Sword of Moses (yes, that “sword”).
Some facts gleaned from these scriptures:
– There are four hundred billion galaxies in the known universe, two hundred billion over there and two hundred billion over here. Mrs. God prefers the two hundred billion over there.
– She’s an ethnic.
– She’s not jealous but she will kill off a million or two of her Husband’s favorites if He pisses her off, just on principle.
– She likes to fingerpaint.
– She’s had more than four trillion babies and suffers from a touch of prolapsed uterus.
We’ll take up the question of Devine Abortions in a later post.