Guest Post: Sister Ildephonsus

I’m often asked whether nuns have a sense of humor. I have many answers to this. For example:

– If you had a sense of humor, would you be a nun?

– Two nuns and a dwarf walk into a bar. You’re probably familiar with this thigh-slapper.

– I’m married to Jesus Christ. Dude doesn’t laugh much.

I’m writing this guest post to address the issue of God’s Wife. “God moves in mysterious ways.” I believe that. I’m not married. Does that make me God? The priest at Saint [—–] is not married to those young boys of his. Is he God?

I could have been a wife to some normal guy, you know. In high school, the boys were after me like I was a bitch in heat. I’m not saying that I wasn’t, but even then, I’d only do it in the apse, or out back in the graveyard. Please, no jokes about nuns and their bad habits.

Actually, forget about God’s Wife. That older generation. Who cares about the grandparents? What about Jesus? Is he married? If so, what does his Wife make of all us nuns claiming to be married to Him (except for the superannuated Sister Gerd, the seriously bent Sister Bruce, and the butt-ugly Sister Angelina)? Does Jesus’ Wife laugh it off or does She have it in for us? Are we pathetic? You know, like “I want to marry my daddy when I grow up”? Is She a nun, or an ex-nun? Jesus has got to have some kind of relationship going up there. Of course, there’s the long hair and that dreamy look he’s got in the pictures. The flowing robes. Light on his feet? Jesus, I hope not! Father Brutus says that Jesus and Satan have been spending a lot of time together and that they’ll come out of one of those anterooms to Hell with shit-eating grins on their faces pardon my French.

I’m in one of those tough orders where you shave your head and spend the day washing dishes and scrubbing floors and shelling peas. And for what? I don’t even have some lout sitting in his favorite easychair drinking beer, eating peanuts, and scratching his hairy chest through his wife-beater, ignoring me till he’s hungry or horny or both. What’s the point? This is the twenty-first century. Nobody shells peas anymore. We’ve got an army of undocumented Catholics up from the south to do that.

It says right there in the Book of Something or Other – I can’t keep the damned things straight – that, yes, God has infinite wives. Infinite, meaning numberless or without number. Doesn’t that mean by simple mathematical calculation and proof that I’ve got to be one of them? If it’s infinite, don’t you have to count me in there at some point? So God, please raise the freaking red lantern.

God’s Wife 3

Does God have a wife? What do you think? He’s God, for Christ’s sake. Of course He’s got a wife. And, He hasn’t got a wife. Get it? That’s how God rolls. He’s got infinite wives. The universe is 4 billion years old and, at the rate of one per night, or no, two or three per night, you know, a “two-fer” or a “three-fer,” say, God has still got a lot of wives that He hasn’t even seen yet, much less “known.” He could pass one of these women in the street and go, hey, what a babe, and unbeknownst to him, she’s His wife! He don’t even recognize her! And these aren’t dogs we’re talking about. There are so many babes around (speaking for Hollywood anyway) that even Satan has babes. The bad ones! He doesn’t marry them, either. He’s the Devil. He goes trolling every night. But I’m getting off track here.

So let’s get to it: Mrs. God. What’s going on with this Supreme Deity? Or Supreme Deitress? Well, She’s not some gay male wife or trophy wife young enough to be God’s daughter, I’ll tell you that. She rocks. What does she do? Is she like the First Lady, in charge of prayers from all the orphanages, and flowers blooming in the Spring, and rainbows? Or is she edgy like Hillary, with a large staff, always angling to become head of the World Bank or suchlike?

There are only two ways to find out for sure, of  course: prayer and the holy scriptures.

Go ahead and try prayer first. Every so often somebody gets up in the morning with their answer, although it’s usually about what color to paint  the guest bathroom or something like that.

As for the scriptures, you’ll come up short in the Bible, but fortunately there is also the Pseudepigrapha, available used from Amazon in hardcover for less than $100, which is one hell of a deal.

There’s also the Apocrypha, but it’s got nothin.

The Pseudepigrapha is a gold mine when it comes to stuff like Mrs. God. The title means “falsely attributed” in Greek, but don’t let that put you off. For the dope on the big Wife, check out especially the Syriac Apocalypse of Baruch (the Wife gets mad), Cave of Treasures (yes, that “cave”), and Sword of Moses (yes, that “sword”).

Some facts gleaned from these scriptures:

– There are four hundred billion galaxies in the known universe, two hundred billion over there and two hundred billion over here. Mrs. God prefers the two hundred billion over there.

– She’s an ethnic.

– She’s not jealous but she will kill off a million or two of her Husband’s favorites if He pisses her off, just on principle.

– She likes to fingerpaint.

– She’s had more than four trillion babies and suffers from a touch of prolapsed uterus.

We’ll take up the question of Devine Abortions in a later post.

God’s Wife 2

As soon as you mention God’s Wife, the specter of sexual organs is raised. We all know that, for example, the penis comes in many shapes and sizes. An exception about knowing shapes and sizes would be the faithful wife, who has only seen one. If the faithful wife is female, that is. If the faithful wife is male, then it is unlikely that the penises of husband and wife will be identical, perhaps to the surprise and disappointment of the faithful but well-hung wife. In this case, if her penis is much larger than your own, it doesn’t mean that you have to take any shit from her pardon my French.

We did a poll in Montana on this. 78% of respondents stated that they’d rather discuss the private parts of their cattle. 10% stated that they’d rather discuss the private parts of their sheep which they can’t quit, and 12% said they would only discuss such matters in their own bedroom or in a motel room if we would be interested in that.

So the thing is, suppose your penis does not look like God’s penis? Or your wife’s private bits do not look like those of God’s Wife – you know, are more, well, prominent, or perhaps more sequestered? Maybe the carpet doesn’t match the drapes, but I guess that’s another subject. If you’re very different from the Divine, does God still love you? No. If you’re unusual in some way, is there a chance that God’s Wife might take a special interest in you? Maybe. I know a guy like that.

But let’s get our minds out of the gutter. God’s Wife. Does She do the dishes? No. That’s what the angels are there for. Does She want to go out every night, or is She content to let God lie on the couch and for once watch a goddamned football game in peace? Hmm. I’ll set up a poll on that one.

Why teen sex films and teen sex movies are important

What are the best teen sex movies? What are the best teen sex scenes? Who are the hottest teen stars in teen sex scenes, in teen sex films? Why is this important?

I read somewhere that “teen sex movies” is a most-googled search item. I’m publishing this post to see whether anyone comes to read it as a result of a search-engine referral.

I wouldn’t bother, but three of my posts are titled Why sex at the movies is bad for teens, Why teen sex at the movies is so over, and Best Teen Sex Movies.  Search engines send readers to these posts, in spite of the fact that there must be a billion intertube pages about teen sex movies. Why my blog? It’s too late to track referrals to these posts from the beginning, so I’m starting fresh with this one.

I’ll return in a while and see which, if any, search terms brought readers to this page. Or, if absolutely nothing happens, perhaps I’ll just delete this post and slink back into the shadows to figure out some other way to do a little blogger whoring.

Later: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I check the search-engine terms used to reach my blog and find such as the following:

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What amazes me is the fact that there are a quazillion sex sites desperate for page hits but no, all these searchers, using all these search terms, are sent to my miniscule blog. Strange. (I will say that when I googled “wooled movies sex,” my blog didn’t seem to be among the top listings, although somebody found it in there somewhere… Whoops! Adding that sentence now puts me in the top five for the search.  Silked movies sex. Cottoned movies sex. Just in case.)

I mentioned channel 553 in a post, and I do come up second out of 7,880,000 hits for the search “sex channel 553,” which someone tried.

Perhaps I’ll delete all of my posts containing the word “sex”. Or just do a global change from “sex” to “Jesus.” No, wait. Then I’d get a whole new crowd of desperate surfers.

Otherwise, what we have here is just a blog page of disappointed readers.

God’s Wife 1

First of all: this is a serious post. No way I’m going to dis God in a WordPress post. Maybe it would be ok over on Facebook, which besides its 100 million Godless teenagers has several large pockets of Satanists, who, except for the group sex, are the most boring… I’m getting off subject.

There are some Christian religions that believe that God has a wife. They don’t talk about it much, but if you pin them down, they will admit it. Most will say more about the Holy Ghost, but the Holy Ghost – he or she or it – is a ghost, a spirit, a cloud, whatever. Nobody ever tells us that the Holy Ghost has, say, a penis. The Holy Ghost is just easier to talk about than God’s wife. Or should it be God’s Wife? Sometimes the Holy Ghost does appear in the shape of a bird, but nobody ever tells us what the sex of that bird is, or that it’s got a twig in it beak (for nest-building). Or maybe an olive branch, for reasons unknown.

Later: Hold on. I’m wrong. If you poll the rural preachers of Mississippi, asking them whether the Holy Ghost is male, female, both, or neither, 100% reply that the Holy Ghost is male. If you ask whether the HG has a penis, 100% say well hell yes. If you ask whether that penis is large or small, 100% of the black preachers say large. 100% of the white preachers say that it’s medium in size; perhaps just a hair small. If you ask the black preachers whether the penis bends to the left or right or hangs straight down, 100% respond that the penis hangs, or “dangles,” straight down. 100% of the white preachers respond that it bends to the right.

One Asian preacher was polled. He dropped his trousers and waggled his member in the pollster’s face, without articulating an answer. Very Zen.