The Meat-Only Diet: Important New Findings

First, why are you dieting? To lose weight? Most of your weight is meat. Does it make sense to eat more meat when you’re trying to loose weight?

How much of your weight is vegetables? None of it, unless you count your nuts haha. Humor is important when dieting.

You are what you eat, bro. The lion? Eats only meat. You want to turn into a big cat? Is your girl calling you her big pussy cat? It could be happening already. You eat enough meat, you’ll be lifting your leg and licking your ass haha. Again, humor is important when dieting.

Are you maintaining a meat diet in order to stay healthy? What are you afraid of? You too big a pussy to eat a candy bar, Mr. Pussy Cat ha ha?

Ok, no, now I’m serious. That was just to loosen you up. Believe me, you eat only meat, you going to need some serious loosening up. We’re talking hard little pellets here, and that’s medical science. But why is that? Rabbits and deer and guinia pigs make pellets and they eat only fiber. You won’t find a coyote or a tiger or a damn alligator leaving a little pile of pellets around. What gives?

But on the other hand, when a guy gets conked on the head, he turns into a vegetable, not a meat.

So never mind. No fish or chicken. No white meat, including pork. Cut into yourself. You see any white meat? (Don’t actually do this.) Don’t cut into your bother-in-law, either, at least for this reason.

Don’t eat anything that weighs less than 800 pounds.

Don’t eat pig. Don’t let your wife eat it either unless it’s already too late haha.

Don’t eat any meat you don’t know where it’s been, like hyenas.

Don’t eat elephant meat. It’s protected by some kind of treaty.

Women with meaty thighs: good, bad, or, in a better world, irrelevant?

The smell of meat cooking may attrack carnivores. Don’t cook meat in the jungle after dark.

Let’s get rid of that word “meathead.”

Corn-fed beef? Kobe beef with the cow’s hide rubbed with gin? The fewer vegetables the better, but strong drink will always help you get through a diet.

Even if you fall off your meat-only diet, you’ll still be able to beat up a vegetarian.

After a month or so on this diet, you may notice that you don’t want to share at mealtime. You may develop a crouching posture over your plate. If your wife stretches out her hand toward you, for example when saying Grace, try not to bite it.

5 Responses

  1. Just wondering where marine mammals fit in? While seal “flipper pie” (a delicacy in my part of the world) it has the look and consistency of roast beef, however it does weigh under 800 lbs. Perhaps I should be adding more whale to my diet?

    • Great question! Marines are studly dudes. Just look at Battle Los Angles. Anything a Marine would eat, you should eat.

      But don’t eat anything not of this Earth.

  2. Ah ha! See, Reader Number 2 (I guess he got here before me, so he’s Reader Number 1) actually comes to you with a great question. Me, I’m just wondering where candy fits in.

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