Through Story 1

The TV shows that I watch all have through stories. I don’t care for one-off episodes. This blog needs a through story of its own.

What the story will not include:

Elle Fanning – The TMZ article is bullshit. You will not find my mug shot on The Smoking Gun. John Edwards, yes. Me, no. Not anymore. Hey, let me tell you something. You stalk a thirteen-year-old movie star, you’re going to spend one hell of a lot of time watching her sit with her tutor, trying without success to calculate the volume of a cone.

J. J. Abrams – All I’m saying is, you know the best bits in Lost and Fringe? Run your eyes down the writing credits. You see my name there? Of course you don’t.

Rehab facilities – They’ve got nice rooms, green lawns and stone paths through gardens. Good food, activities. AND YOU CAN’T GET A F-ING DRINK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.

Perhaps my through story will talk about writing and how lonely it is when you do it for a living. Stephen King? There has to be something wrong with that guy, so many books, so many words. I spent one solid year doing all my writing at parties. My work suffered but I was never lonely. I’d still be doing it like that but I don’t get invited to parties anymore.

Perhaps my through story will  talk about Anna, who is a pre-visualization artist at Paramount. How we met, our ups and downs, where we are now in our relationship. I should call her first, though, and update her on all that.

Reality Show: Sports Wives

Screenwriters: Write up your reality-show sports ideas and they will make you some money, irregardless of their stupidity and questionable value to the human race on our warming planet. Write them up, buy new cars, and spew carbon while you still can, before the government takes away our cars and makes us ride bicycles. In fact, you could… Aw, forget it.

Sample idea: Sports Wives

You find five wives whose husbands are sports nuts. The guys watch anything and everything. They tailgate. They buy merchandise. So forth. The wives have had it up to here. If they have to pick up one more empty beer can in the living room, they’re going to scream.

Pick a sport for the five women to take up, say, boxing.

Don’t pick women who can’t take a punch.

Don’t pick women who are all hat and no saddle. Or is it, all saddle and no spurs? Or all assless chaps and no garters? Whatever.

They can have a mouth on them.

If they have a lot of brothers, that’s a plus.

Not too butch, though. Sure, butch might help our contestants in the ring but we’re not selling this show to the gay demo.

If they smoke, it helps. They’re in their corner during a sparring session, taking a last drag on a butt and then flipping it into the mouthwash bucket, while on a split screen we see the husband howling for his f-ing dinner while the children cower behind a KFC Family Box of chicken legs.

Pick  five different colors for the trunks, with matching halters. Each contestant should need a lot of halter, if you know what I mean.

Each week, these women beat the hell out of each other. Wait! Make that six  women, not five. Six different racial ethnicities, although all the husbands should be white. Six different heights, from awesomely tall and leggy to ultra petite but perfectly formed. No fatties, needless to say. Three passive, three aggressive would probably work the best.

After each week’s bouts, we see the women partying with their trainers. The women are all banged up with bandaids and shiners, but in a sexy way, while on the split screen, the husbands are calling the kids’ grandmas to come over and give them baths and put them to bed, because there’s a game on, but we’ve bought off the grandmas so they won’t go.

In the final episode, the women come home and when their husbands try to bust their balls, the women smack the hell out of them.

Movies That Have Meant Something Really Important To Me

Movie: The Boy with Green Hair (1948)
Experience: Boredom
Life Lesson: Don’t let your parents take you to clunky old movies or movie life will seem worse than real life. What were they thinking?

Movie: Alice in Wonderland (1951)
Experience: Wonder.
Life Lesson: Now that’s what I’m talking about. Movie life is better than real life.

Movie: Ben Hur (1959)
Experience: Excitement
Life Lesson: See “Alice in Wonderland”

Movies: The Road Warrior (1981), Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Experience: Slipped out of work; sat in a small theater with maybe four others for the double feature; drank coke and ate popcorn.
Life Lesson: Work sucks.

Movie: Good Morning… and Goodbye! (1967)
Experience: Bright colors. Women with large natural hooters.
Life Lesson: Real sex is not movie sex; forget the green hair and go for Alice, Heston, Gibson, Schwarzenegger, and the hooters.