My Favorite Short Films

Listen, you can’t make any money writing for short films in Hollywood. If you find yourself involved in short-film projects, pack your bags and move back to Omaha.

Those short films down at the tail of a Scorcese or Spielberg or Coppola resume? Switch over to writing term papers for college students. You can make a pretty penny. The Burton and Pixar efforts? Just well-funded filmmaker juggernauts sewing a few seeds.

When’s the last time you went to the movies and a short film ran before the feature? You want involvement in short films? Become a YouTube troll. Writing for short films is like writing for Wikipedia.

Now if you’re in it for the art, that’s another thing. Your spouse brings home the bacon and you’re searching for meaning in your life. You know what? You need a hobby. Art. Art is basically a hobby these days, unless you tap into a market, but that’s not about art. Making short films – that’s a type of art. Take it up. Make some. With the technology these days, you can make a movie like Monsters or Skyline mostly sitting in your kitchen, if that’s where you use your computer.

If you’re thinking about the past, well, I remember going to the movies in the 60s and seeing Skater Dater before the feature. Nominated for an Oscar. The memorable thing about Skater Dater was that it was the first time I’d ever seen a skateboard, on film or otherwise.

If this is about watching good short films, they are profuse. Too many to name. Use torrents or RapidShare or Netflix or Amazon or YouTube. What does it tell you that many of the best films are available for free? Check out the Oscar list for best live action short films. Before that category, there were several short-subject Oscars handed out. Mubi has a topic on favorite short films – you’ll find all sort of picks there, from Kenneth Anger’s classic, Scorpio Rising, to the short film that is probably the only one many could name, Hotel Chevilier. Turn over any rock and you’ll find a short film. This is a golden age for short films. All those unemployed individuals out there? Many are filling their empty hours making short films. Varda, Jarmusch, infinite animation. Go crazy.

Most of the short films I watch run 6 to 8 minutes, but I don’t think you’re talking about those.

What of the future? Short films, feature films, documentaries, newspapers, magazines, books, songs – we may end up like the Balinese, who live in a country where everyone does some art and nobody makes a living at it. Except that in the U.S., a few megacorps will always be there to squeeze the entertainment dollars out of you somehow.

Will California Ban Circumcision?

At this point, if California bans circumcision, the following “Hollywood exceptions” will be included in the law:

– SAG members who play “good guys” are to be given an exemption. Focus groups indicate that audiences prefer their full-frontal heros to be “clipped.” “Bad guys” are not exempt from the ban.

– Whether because of the Jewish influence in the film industry or the contention of Makeup that the circumcized penis is easier to make presentable, penii in “blockbusters” are to be exempt.

– Penile and scrotal piercings remain taboo. Clooney, Buscemi, et al, must remove their silver-plated groin bling before the cameras start rolling.

– Other exceptions: CGI “cocks”; prosthetic members of whatever color, especially black; shortpuds (less then 2″); stubs of the very young and very old (less than 6 months, more than 90 years)

– Sexting of circumcized joints is banned, judicial and legislative specimens excepted.

– Viagra addicts are not excepted

– Female-to-male transgender actors can “pick their own poison.”

– Stunt doubles must “take one for the team.”

– If one of the top ten female stars in Hollywood (according to the grosses) is required, legitimately, to handle a male member in a scene and she is absolutely adverse to the male foreskin, and the scene will suffer if she wears rubber gloves, then a circucism can be allowed, whether the male lead wants it or not.