Interview with Newt Gingrich

Me: Hi, Newt. Back from your vacation in Greece?

Newt: If the Greeks had followed my advice the last time I vacationed there, they wouldn’t be in the mess they’re in now.

Me: Well… Can we begin with a question about your first name?

Newt: Have you seen a newt?

Me: What, that’s it? You’re named after the animal?

Newt: What did I just ask you?

Me: Is it like a salamander?

Newt: Is my name Salamander Gingrich?

Me: All right. No. I’ve never seen a newt.

Newt: How about a ging?

Me: Oh, for the love of Mike. I’m sorry I asked. Ok. Will you tell us how you’ve gotten three different babes to marry you? Ow!… I’m bleeding on myself.

Newt: On day one as President, I will immediately begin to change government so it starts serving the will of the American people.

Me: I think you broke my nose. What about this mass resignation of your entire campaign staff, after they said your wife was bossing them aroun… Ow!

Newt: America only works when Americans are working. I have a pro-growth strategy similar to the proven policies used when I was Speaker to balance the budget, pay down the debt, and create jobs.

Me: Remind me. Were you indicted for any sort of corrupt… Ow! Jeez, Newt. Is this how you treat your wif… Ow!

Newt: The big government Obamacare approach does not address the root causes of America’s health care crisis. Instead, it creates layers of new taxes, regulations, and bureaucracies that will ultimately make our problems worse, not better. Newt proposes a “Patient Power” plan that will save lives and save money.

Me: Christ, I’m a mess. This is worse than interviewing Mel Gibson or Russell Crowe. Or even Lindsay Lohan… You had harsh words for Senator Ryan’s health plan, too.

Newt: I did not give Ryan that shiner.

Me: Now, look, your wife Callista… Ok, no, wait, I’m not asking that! I’m not asking that! No, now, Ok, the emails between you and Sarah Pali… Ok, Ok, I’m not asking that either! Newt, put down that petrified lizard paperweight! Heellllpp!

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7 Responses

  1. That Nute managed to get anyone to marry him is shocking to me. He’s not charming, he’s not funny, he’s not kind and really, how could he possibly be good to have sex with? Oh, also, he doesn’t know how to answer a decent question to save his life. (See above interview for evidence.)

  2. PS: I have just finished reading the 2010 and 2011 collected works of joem18b. They are entertaining, humane, funny, sharp, beautifully written, full of words I know but never use because I can’t think of where to put them (you can though), and so wonderful that I can’t believe you could ever write anything that isn’t interesting. Well, maybe I’m wrong. Wallace Stevens, who spent his entire life working as a lawyer at the Hartford, probably wrote a lot of letters that weren’t for a general audience. But the thing is, nobody saved THOSE letters. (They did save his other letters, and they are out there to be read, because they’re interesting.) Anyway, what I mean to say is that I’m so glad you have written this blog because it makes me think more about about movies and television than I ever have in my life. It also makes me realize that it’s okay to like what you like, no matter what other people say about it. Thank you, Joe. I just ordered Season 1 of 2 of In Treatment (from ebay $30 for both!!) Your fan, L

    • Thanks, Lily! Kind words. Your peepers may well have been the first to look upon many of those posts. It’s good to know that they weren’t written in vain.

      Do you have other blogs that you enjoy and can recommend?

  3. Depends on the reader — I suspect you might not be too crazy about design sponge and apartment therapy, porn for those of us who lack the time, talent and inclination to actually do anything about the living room. Ditto the sartorialist, more porn, only this time for those of us who wear the same things and have for years and really see no reason to stop, although we suspect maybe we should.

    There are two writer/agent/editor blogs I like, because these women are funny and have great voices, and they’re not full of shit: betsy lerner (http://betsylerner.wordpress.com/) and an anonymous young woman named “the intern” (http://internspills.blogspot.com/). Also, my blog is very good. (bloglily.com), except when I’m whining, but I try not to do that too much.

    What kinds of blogs are you looking for?

    What are you watching today? How’s the weather?

    Your reader, L

    • Urg. That was rude of me – asking about other blogs and not mentioning yours (which I link to on my home page).

      You write as good or better than I do. Good luck with your book and its revision. By all means, send me one of your short stories, or post it on your blog?

      • Oh no, I didn’t think that was rude at all! One thing that comes in handy is that I’m not that sensitive about my own writing. Lord knows, I’m sensitive enough about other things, but not that. Also, I love my blog — it seems to have a kind of life of its own and it doesn’t even feel like me really. It sort of writes itself and has its own voice and own concerns. It’s kind of weird really. Sure, I’ll send you a story. I can’t post it on my blog because my mom reads it and I don’t want her to know that I write about strippers.

  4. Oh, and by the way, I think my last comment went into your comments moderation thing because it contains links — which generally take you straight to that nigerian banking thing you’re interested in. In this case, though, it’s just links to blogs I like. xoxo

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