Irregularity in Adults

My agent called me at Hollywood Park between the second and third races, and told me that if I could dictate a script to him on the spot, over the phone, for a FluxIt commercial, he could put some money in my pocket by the end of the week.

I like screenwriting like this. It’s as if you’re on the front line in a war, filing dispatches. Tell your agent that you’d like to try it.

Here’s what I came up with. It made me enough to cover most of my losses for the day.

[Carol, knocking on her neighbor’s door. Marge answers the door.]

Carol: Hi, Marge. I wanted to tell you that I’m on my way down to St. Luke’s. My husband Mike suffered a massive heart attack last night…

Marge, as her iPhone beeps: Hang on, Carol. I’ve got to scamper off to the bathroom or I’ll poop right here in my shorty pajamas.

[She runs for it. Carol shakes her head and smiles.]

Carol, to herself and to us: How does she do it? You could set your watch by her.

[Later, at the hospital.]

Doctor: I’m sorry, Carol, but you husband is dead.

Carol: That is so sad! Say, Doctor, my neighbor is “regular” as clockwork. How does she poop on schedule like that?

Doctor: She probably uses FluxIt. FluxIt works every time, on time. Why not try it yourself?

Carol: Oh, Doctor, I’m terribly constipated. In fact, I’m impacted. Could FluxIt handle that?

Doctor, laughing: You could have a colon full of concrete and FluxIt would blast it out. Plus, you can use it at 1/16 strength on your large dog, or at 1/24 strength on your small dog or cat, or at 1/48 strength on rabbits, gerbils, and rats, or at 1/64 strength on your parakeet, or at 1/72 strength on your kid’s goldfish.

Carol, laughing: Just hearing that makes me want to go right now! I’m buying FluxIt, frack it!

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