Best Doughnuts for Adults

My agent signed me up to write a script for a doughnut commercial aimed at adults in New York City. The draft below can be tweaked for use with many other products. Feel free to use it as a template if you want to.

[We see two doughnuts talking. Subliminal physical clues around their respective holes allow us to infer that one is male and the other, female. In addition, the male is voiced by an individual who sounds like Stallone and the female by a Britney Spears clone.

He: Quit nagging me about my fat and sugar.

She: I know you. You’re gonna let some kid eat you.

He: So what? I’m sterile.

She: That’s not what Phobe says. [Phobe is a very chocolate eclair.]

He: Kids love doughnuts. What are you gonna do?

She: You get yourself  into a kid’s mouth and you aren’t going to roll hole-to-hole with me anymore, buster.

He: Hey, baby, I’ve got plenty of dough. [I know that seems weak, but you’re writing for an audience of semi-idiots here. I’m sorry, but I’ve spent a lot of time in New York.]

She: If grownups want to eat a doughnut, it’s their choice. They’re sitting there drinking coffee with cheap brandy in it, smoking cigarettes, they’ve probably just had unprotected sex, they’re sweating through their underwear out on their fire-escape “balconies,”  and now they want a doughnut to top off their evening. That’s what you were made for.

He: Jeez, I’m competing with alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, post-coital depression, and a muggy night in the big city…

She: Fat and sugar, sugar and fat, it don’t get any better than that. But please, adults only!

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