Best Doughnuts for Adults

My agent signed me up to write a script for a doughnut commercial aimed at adults in New York City. The draft below can be tweaked for use with many other products. Feel free to use it as a template if you want to.

[We see two doughnuts talking. Subliminal physical clues around their respective holes allow us to infer that one is male and the other, female. In addition, the male is voiced by an individual who sounds like Stallone and the female by a Britney Spears clone.

He: Quit nagging me about my fat and sugar.

She: I know you. You’re gonna let some kid eat you.

He: So what? I’m sterile.

She: That’s not what Phobe says. [Phobe is a very chocolate eclair.]

He: Kids love doughnuts. What are you gonna do?

She: You get yourself  into a kid’s mouth and you aren’t going to roll hole-to-hole with me anymore, buster.

He: Hey, baby, I’ve got plenty of dough. [I know that seems weak, but you’re writing for an audience of semi-idiots here. I’m sorry, but I’ve spent a lot of time in New York.]

She: If grownups want to eat a doughnut, it’s their choice. They’re sitting there drinking coffee with cheap brandy in it, smoking cigarettes, they’ve probably just had unprotected sex, they’re sweating through their underwear out on their fire-escape “balconies,”  and now they want a doughnut to top off their evening. That’s what you were made for.

He: Jeez, I’m competing with alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, post-coital depression, and a muggy night in the big city…

She: Fat and sugar, sugar and fat, it don’t get any better than that. But please, adults only!

Anonymous Blogging in Hollywood: Pros and Cons

Among the Pros:

– If you’re anonymous, they can’t sue your ass, or worse! Just don’t use language that might be associated with you personally, like, in my case, “Frack you, Motherfracker!” or “I’ll pay you tomorrow.”

– You can borrow, copy,  and steal the text and ideas from other anonymous blogs with abandon. This is useful when you’re on script deadline.

– More than 50% of your readers will believe your lies about your enemies, no matter what you make up.

Among the Cons:

– It’s a damned double-edge sword. All those Pros above are also true for the clowns and liars that a screenwriter has to deal with every day. All that anonymous gossipy mud that has been slung and flung in my direction? Completely, absolutely false. If I actually did the things that they say, if I actually owed them money like that, if their wives were actually telling the truth for the first time in their lying skanky lives, then let them use their own names when accusing me. Or at least the names of their wives. If they remain anonymous like this, they can say literally anything, true or false. I should know.

– True story: This studio electrician in Hollywood wrote in his anonymous blog “If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain, if you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain, if you’d like making love at midnight in the dunes at Malibu, then I’m the love that you’ve looked for. Write to me and escape.” He gets a comment to the post that is in the affirmative. And by the way, he tried to tweet the message but of course it was way too long, and his Facebook and Myspace accounts had both been suspended. He was forced to blog. So he sets up a meeting at Circus Disco on Santa Monica Blvd. in Hollywood with the mystery commenter and when he gets there, he discovers that the comment to the post was written by his gay lover! His lover recognized his stupid post right away and in a fit of jealousy shot him in the parking lot before they even got inside for a first drink and a dance. This was on “Wet Underwear” night.

– True story: An actor lost his memory, became homeless, and wasn’t recognized on the street because of his beard, matted hair, and lagging, direct-to-video career. One day he’s blogging in the library and he tells of a time when he was in the military and taking a train ride across the country from the East Coast to California. He meets a kid and can’t help falling for her even though she’s underage. But then it turns out that she’s really as old as he is and in disguise to get the lower ticket rate. Readers of this “memory” excitedly realized that the memoryless writer was “remembering” the plot of one of his old movies and that he must be Ray Milland. But Milland died in 1986, plus, nobody knew who wrote the post in the first place because it was anonymous, plus, the actor wrote it in a biblioteca in East L.A. where he was the only guy in the place who spoke English.

Thanks  to bloglily for the topic.