Top 5 Hollywood Rumors This Week (1)

Note: Tupac was last week.

All rumors heard at Harvard and Stone on Hollywood Blvd.

5. Jerry Bruckheimer’s kids won’t let him throw their birthday parties ever again because of the explosions, the fire, and the time that it takes a skin graft to heal.

4. Paris Hilton is no longer a female.

3. Brad and Angelina are still together.

2. The Mayan end-of-the-world 2012 curse applies in particular to all American Idol winners.

1. Elvis committed suicide last year at the age of 75.

The Meat-Only Diet, Part 2

A sample regimen to help you get started:

Day 1

Breakfast: Cut out meat in the shape of little o’s, deep-fat fry, serve in a bowl with generous meat juices.

Lunch: Use slabs of ham for “bread” and make a meatball sandwich.

Dinner: Steak with a side of chicken, and a fish salad (while there are still fish to eat). Dessert will be a plate of assorted oyster, clam, and mussel dainties stuffed with edible jellyfishes.

Day 2

Breakfast: A glass of whiskey mixed with meat juice.

Lunch: Hot dog on a hamburger bun (a bun made out of hamburger, that is).

Dinner: Several glasses of whiskey. Then pigs in blankets of tenderized cowhide.

Day 3

Breakfast: You probably won’t be getting up.

Lunch: Try to eat a meat that comes up as easily as it goes down.

Dinner: Strip, go outside, and lie on the hood of your car in a howling snowstorm.

This should get you well on your way to significant weight loss.