Hollywood Lawyers

A young writer, newly arrived in Hollywood, asked me about my legal representation. I told him to associate himself with a lawyer that he can trust, which is to say, a lawyer that he can blackmail if necessary.

In my case, that would be Sid. Sid’s job is to help me with the financial problems caused by my divorces, although we leave my second wife Rhoda out of it because her husband is a second cousin of Sid’s wife, who’d kill him if I tried to hold out on Rhoda and her kids. Sid gets a percentage of what we figure I save by holding onto my money rather than giving it away to the other ex-wives and their children, all of whom could do me a major favor by moving out of state.

I also ask Sid to vet my movie contracts. I can’t trust my agent because he gets a kickback from the studios for screwing me.

Finally, and this is hypothetical and would only be true if drugs were formally legal in California, Sid helps me with my situations in L.A. relating to controlled substances, in return for which I’m his primary source for, well, you name it. We live in a pharmacheutical age. We’re like the Matis Indians in the Amazon, utilizing every frigging root, leaf, and branch around us, only with us it’s pills, powders, grasses, and mushrooms.

Sid and I also act as each other’s sponser in AA, such that if one of us goes on a bender, the other one comes along and tries to be the guy in the pair who, yes, may get totally fracked up but doesn’t suffer a blackout at the end of it.

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