Tweeting for Screenwriters

To all my followers: I never tweet while impaired. This is because my assistant takes my iPhone away from me, as well as the Moto Backflip that I keep hidden in my shorts, whenever I become unable to answer simple questions in a logical and sober manner.

Having said that, note the following wrt any tweets  about my work emanating from the Arbitrage shoot in New York:

Richard Gere – I did not plant the gerbil on set. Plus, I thought that Gere was supposed to have a sense of humor. Did I get him mixed up with some other guy? And what’s all this yammer of his about Tibet? What’s wrong with Tibet? It’s got that religious guy, doesn’t it? Everybody loves him? In the robes? So what’s the problem? Tibet is up in the mountains somewhere I think. How come you never hear anything about skiing there?

Tim Roth – Lie to Me wasn’t real, right? Roth spent three seasons learning all the ways that people lie, but that doesn’t make him an expert at detecting somebody really doing it, does it? I didn’t take his bottle of Lagavulin scotch, irregardless of his tweets.

Susan Sarandon – I have provided a DNA sample and I will be exonerated. I can’t specifically remember the evening because I had a little tiny blackout at some point after dinner. I do know that I never had access to her underwear drawer, wherever that was.¬† Maybe she was hallucinating. Maybe she is an “unreliable narrator” in her tweets. What about that? And yes, not to be mean, but the woman is in her mid-60s. To look that good? Of course she’s had work done.
Although to tell you the truth, I couldn’t tell for sure. Which explains the underwear drawer.

Director Nicholas Jarecki – He didn’t fire me, as his tweet claimed. I quit. And I will work in New York City again, no matter what he thinks. He’s still a kid as far as I’m concerned. He wrote Arbitrage, which is his first feature film, so don’t blame me when it bombs. But if it’s a hit, then that’ll be because of my script-doctoring input. I’m also sure that he’s the one who got me on the no-fly list so that I had to drive all the way back to Culver City in a rented Neon, with Avis waiting for me at the end because my check bounced. (If that girl I picked up in Ohio tweeted anything, that isn’t true either.)

Top Teen Sex Movies

First, to which movies does the title refer?

Sex movies that teens would like and/or should watch? No. They should watch movies like the U.S. Army’s training film AS104b, “Venereal Disease and the Loss of Your Penis,” or the Freemason Rainbow Girls film, “Boys Will Defile You If You Let Them Touch You Down There.”

Hardcore movies about teen sex utilizing actual teens? Such movies are immoral and illegal. As such, they would be found in the category “Top Real Teen Sex Movies,” so aren’t covered here.

Hardcore movies about teen sex not utilizing actual teens? There are probably too many of these to try and choose a few of the “best,” so we won’t. You’ll find them in the more specific categories “Plaid school-uniform skirts,” “Daddy spanks his naughty daughter,” and “Ponytails.”

Softcore movies about teen sex? Check in to any nondescript mid-city hotel and pay for channel 553.

Dramatic, R-rated Hollywood movies about teen sex? These are found in the category “Will she have the baby or not,” so are not listed here.

Comedies about teens having sex? All such films in which the sex never actually happens are excluded. How can you call them sex comedies? Sure, a bunch of horny guys want to have sex with their female classmates, but, as a substitute teacher, I see that every day I get called in. I don’t find it comic. All those teenage girls. The dress codes were a lot stricter in my day. And then to come home and put on a movie and it’s more of the same? I can’t recommend it.