Reality Show: “The Love Trip”

Five men and five women in a deluxe RV, traveling from New York to Hollywood. Purpose of the trip: Love.

The men and women have been carefully chosen from a pool of thousands of applicants. Although they don’t know it, they share a common characteristic. They are all profoundly disinterested in sex.

They aren’t phobic. There are no psychoses. These are simply the ten least libidinally motivated heterosexuals available in all the general Reality public.

The ten think that the man and woman on this trip who couple up and discover truest, deepest love will “win.” They don’t know that the actual winners will be the first couple to have surreptitious sex – sex that they believe, wrongly, will be off-camera.

How will the physical act creep up on these folks, who never even think about it? Take Nigel, for example. He was in a two-year relationship with a young woman who had no natural lubrication. Nigel didn’t know about lubrication – still doesn’t – and his mate didn’t either. Folks used to go and get a lube job for their cars from time to time, along with an oil change, but nobody knows about that these days. Anyway, after two years of desert-dry, chafing, prickly, raw intercourse, Nigel lost all interest in ever doing it again, with anybody.

Similarly, Enid. She was introduced to the act of love by a fellow so proportionally outsized that once they were done and she could walk normally again, Enid unconsciously removed all further questions, desires, and plans for a repeat from her mental equipment.

Obviously, nothing would happen on this RV trip without a little help from the producers. Without intervention, there would be no winners and, of course, no tape of the winning maneuvers.

Intervention One: Clothing Malfunction in Mt. Giliad, Ohio. The participants are told that body lice have been discovered on the vehicle and every scrap of clothing and bedding must be steam-cleaned immediately. They wheel into the Sunnyside Naturist Garden for their layover. The ten contestents now discover/experience each other on a dermatological level while playing volleyball and swimming in the heated pool. Due to broadcast restrictions, even on Starz, we see most of this from the rear.

Intervention Two: “Getting to know you better” games played from Swayzee, Indiana to Doolittle, Missouri. The games are introduced and played during a quick clothing recall/inspection to confirm that the lice have been truly licked.

Intervention Three: Drugs at the Seama Rest Stop on I40 in New Mexico. The producers throw up their hands at this point and slip powerful drugs into the contestants’ roadside picnic dinner. Within an hour after sunset, five couples are mating like rabbits and the producers must do a frame-by-frame analysis of the tapes to determine who started first and thus “won.”

The mood on the RV is light and anticlimactic from New Mexico to Hollywood.