Predictive Biopics

My money guy in Hollywood tells me that the studios are tired of waiting for stars to get old and die. $500 million in production funds have been set aside for predictive biopics – feature films that chart the future lives and film careers of today’s hot young stars.

Rules to follow when writing your screenplay:

Youth -The star of your movie must be young at the outset. No Julia Roberts or Angelina Jolie; it’s already downhill for them. Elizabeth Taylor, back when she hit 50? Who would want a film at that point featuring her upcoming 29 years? Bummer. Give us a Kristen Stewart or Abigail Breslin – somebody with lots of upside.

Babies -The star cannot already have a baby at the start of the movie. You want to sit there and watch Mia Farrow acquire 15 more, whereever she finds them? No. We want to see that first baby bump! Then after one or two more, we want the tummy tuck and whether Alice Braga, say, still has a navel in her bikini shots.

Divorce – We all want to see Keira Knightley or Evan Rachel Wood choose a, say, Jesse James, and live to regret it. Then do it again. And again. Multiple mistakes, not like with Jennifer Aniston, who is more like a bachelorette at this point. Boring. Scarlett Johansson jumps out ahead of the pack here. Anyway, the pain. The distress. Emily Blunt, say, looking dazed and confused. And yet these women… with respect to their man choices, it’s like they’re thinking with their, with their… Hmm.

Rehab -Our star must fall all the way to the gutter. There must be bad hair and scabs and she must use the F word, or at least the S and H words. Two rehabs are even better. The main thing here is the sex in the linen closet, especially if no males are involved.

Death – Do not, I repeat, do not, kill off any of today’s hot young stars. It’s a lawyer thing. Unless you can work in an angle where it was all a mistake and they get to come back, or at least their ghost gets to help their husband hook up with Jessica Alba, or something like that.