“Thing” Biopics

I called my inside source at MGM today. He tells me that the studios are tired of celebrity biopics and want us screenwriters to cast our nets wider. Five scripts that I’m working on:

Ruler – Evidently, Leonardo DiCaprio has a red plastic ruler in his work desk at home that means something important to a prominent Hollywood producer who has just been released from the institution where he was committed four years ago. Tell the story of that ruler in a script that kills, and the producer will pay you whatever it takes to buy the screen rights. Gawker has also promised a reward for the person who steals the ruler, so that any residues on it can be analyzed, but if that happens, it will just add to your denouement.

Pipe -There is a sewer pipe in New York’s East 60s that over the past decade has maintained the highest percentage of abandoned alligators, crocodiles, turtles, and gold fish. The neighborhood’s block association will put up the money for a fun flick about this pipe and the numerous small dogs that have disappeared into it.

Buttons – For the past 15 years, Brad Pitt has worn only one pair of blue jeans at home. What stories might the buttons on those jeans tell? Guest appearances by Jennifer’s right hand and Angelina’s left hand. Insider’s view of some of the world’s finest urinals. Funding available from Levi’s.

Wig – Burt Reynolds has always kept his wigs in a freezer dedicated for that purpose. His original wig is in there. No one has ever seen that first wig on Reynold’s head, with one exception: a maid whom he promptly shipped back to her home village in Belize. Go to Belize. Interview the maid. From her verbal description, recreate Burt with that wighat on his head, using an I-Dent-O-Kit. Come back north with the maid, promising her her old job back. Ride with her through Mexico on freight trains. Include  a drug angle. At some point, Reynolds and his bald old head will be forgotten.

Hollywood Sign – No part of the original Hollywood Sign remains. Over the years, little bits and pieces of it have been broken off and sold to collectors, and replaced with cheap plastic. The State of California will pay you to write a story detailing the current whereabouts of all the original pieces, if you include juicy tidbits about the folks who acquired them. Reacquire all of the pieces and reassemble them on the lawn in front of the Capitol in Sacramento and the Governor, if a Republican, will give you an important position in the administration. Some owners of pieces of the original sign will not part with them for any price; these individuals must be eliminated.