Drafts I’ve been meaning to post

I’ve got a whole slew of half-finished drafts. I’ve got to get done with the damn things. Meantime, here’s the start of some of them.
My dad liked to dress up as a woman. Where we lived in the Ozarks, this could get you killed. I never saw him in women clothes. I never talked to him about it. I never talked to my mother about it. She wasn’t normal either. I was the oldest child, so I never talked to any of my brothers or sisters about it. I would never have known anything about this habit of my dad’s, this proclivity of his, if it hadn’t been for a little thing that happened to me one Thursday at school. Just by chance I wore purple and green that day and had to suffer what you’d call well what they used to call “queer rape.” We had a school nurse at the time named Miss Hatchling. She wasn’t quite right either and the students would not go anywhere near her, but as I was bleeding a little bit, I slipped into her office for one of those circular fingertip bandaids.
I can tell you how to make a million dollars in three days, but you can only do it once. It’s legal. I don’t happen to think a million is all that much, not after the taxes that I’d have to pay on it, so I haven’t done it myself. First, locate yourself in a town with a population of less than 10,000, preferably in the Midwest. Join a church and attend regularly. Make a lot of friends. Always dress well (or what they consider well in the Midwest). There is stuff that people will give you for free that you can sell. In this case, the government limits the amount of this stuff that you can pile up to a million dollars worth, which explains the limit on your earnings. After you deliver it once, you won’t ever want to do it again, which explains the one-time-only aspect of it.
Have you ever been high on heroin? If so, then you know how fantastic the feeling can be. Well, I can tell you how to achieve that rush in a natural and healthy way. You will believe totally that you are flying Air H, the trip is that identical. First, stop cleaning your house, especially the bathroom and kitchen. Especially under and behind the fridge and the toilet. Do this for a year. Now, there are many different shades of green when you’re looking at molds. Some of my friends tell me that I’m nuts with this, that it wasn’t the not cleaning for a year, it was the keeping myself high all that time but wouldn’t I recognize a double bump instead of an extra hit even if I was only semi-conscious? Is that what I even mean? Give me a second to clear my head here.
I can promise you glorious sex. Forget the little blue pill. The Indians in the Ozarks, before they got wiped out or opened casinos, knew about a little green weed. How did I find out? I know a guy who knows a guy. This weed, you make a tea. It’s organic. It’s healthy, full of oxidents or anti-oxidents, whichever is healthier. Or maybe it’s full of both of them. Warning: Do not drink this tea until you are for sure sitting next to a partner who is ready to go.
One for the ladies: I can explain to you how you can get your teenage daughter to believe that you are an actual diety. You can make your daughter think that you are God. No drugs. No electrical devices. No hypnotism. This won’t work if you actually believe in God.
You know how things are “too good to be true”? Well, I went out and found a couple of things that are too good to be true, but are true!

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