Why teen sex at the movies is so over

All these recent posts about teen sex at the movies – they’re written mostly by fogies in small towns and by pastors in their studies.

For example (I’m quoting copyrighted text here):

Q: Should me and my girlfriend do it at the Rialto?

A: While sex during a screening at the Rialto may be pleasurable, you should consider a few things first:

  1. Are you prepared to get caught and possibly charged with a fine for indecent exposure by Officer Josephson?
  2. As you’d be in a public place surrounded by other people, can you get away with not disturbing them, as they are paying customers as well, and that includes me if it’s a family film?
  3. Is this something both you and your partner really feel comfortable with and aren’t just being pressured into because it sounds cool?

Sex of all types should be a comfortable experience. Unless, you know, you’re into something a little kinky ha ha.

Ok, I added that last sentence, but still. Check out the multiplex parking lot. It’s full of SUVs, minivans, and Escalades, which I know are  SUVs but in certain neighborhoods, you know, an Escalade is an Escalade your ride you feel me? What would you be doing with sex in the movies when you could be out in one of those on a furry carpet with a little wine, a little weed, your player tuned to… well, you get the idea.

Except for oral sex, if you’re counting that as sex. And by oral sex I’m referring to some girl going down on you, not that other thing. Because for one thing, movie seats have changed. They’re bigger than they used to be. Some of them rock. They’ve got the big cup-holder. They don’t squeak when you’re squirmin.

Also, the audatoriums are a lot smaller than they used to be. You can walk in these days and there might be two people in there, no more, everybody else spread out at the other 31 screens, two people in there, some mom and her kid or two old retired guys. This is not the big dark cavernous moviehouse of old, with Egyptian scrollwork to admire whilst your head is lolling back.

For example, in the following poll:

If you saw two people having sex in the movie theater what would you do?

– Report them to a staff person?
– Watch?
– Move seats?
– Ignore them?

The most popular response was to record them on a cell phone and post the results. I’d include a link to one of these – the one made during a screening of My Bloody Valentine, in which the couple are both wearing their 3D goggles – but then my mom might see it. She forbids me to go to horror movies.

With respect to a similar poll about how to do it, we find that “Have her wear a skirt” and “Have her sit in your lap” are popular responses, but so is “Why would you want to?”

“Wear a skirt”? What geezer came up with that? “Sit on my lap”? Sit on my face! Ok, that doesn’t make any sense, but when you’re arguing with your teen, they’re liable to say anything. Might as well be prepared.

None of this applies to a couple going recursive with a couple onscreen who are doing it at the movies.

4 Responses

  1. Someone’s not gettin’ any….

    • We’re avidly collecting data for our graph, “Watching the movie | Tweeting | Texting | Sexting | Doin it”

      Please send any anecdotal data or video files on the subject, in a plain brown wrapper marked “Sexual Material Inside.”

  2. I can’t remember who said it – some English comedian of the sixties, I think – but he said that he didn’t like sex on the TV because he kept falling off.

    • technology is ruining a lot of jokes. flat screen tvs.

      so that after i wrote about why teen sex at the movies is not recommended, I asked myself, is that a post from past, from a geezer? do teens even think about sex at the movies these days?

      turns out, they do.

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