Why sex at the movies is bad for teens

I’m not talking about drive-ins. Drive-ins were invented for high-school sex. That’s why drive-in movies were so bad; nobody cared. Too bad there aren’t any drive-ins left. At least now, no more finger-bowl jokes.

In this post, I’m talking about youth, or youths, indoors at the multiplex and why sex is a bad idea for them there.

No Pee-Wee Herman jokes, please. What a man does inside the confines of his own raincoat is not germane to this discussion. However, I will try to address the case of teens in raincoats on a stormy day at the multiplex and why sex between them is not recommended, with or without their hoods up; with or without furled brollies.

And of course, no popcorn-tub-in-the-lap jokes. Popcorn-tub-in-the-lap sex is tried and tested and globally approved. It’s off the table.

Kermode and Mayo’s Code of Conduct doesn’t explicitly forbid sex during a screening. How to explain this? Well, examine their photos carefully. Does that answer the question?

First, a couple of exceptions to the no-movie-sex rule:

1. Pride and Prejudice (2005) – If this film is playing on a Wednesday night in the high-school cafeteria, experience has shown that mousy girls with glasses and pleated wool skirts may be susceptible to clumsy groping. Go for it, while keeping an eye peeled for the teacher chaperones.

2. Godzilla (1998) – For some unknown reason, giant lizard movies can cloud a young girl’s mind. If you’re a freshman, you’d be a fool to ignore this fact.

3. The Ten Commandments (1956) – Go for it when the Red Sea parts, because of all the noise and excitement and general Biblical exultation, unless all that water makes your girlfriend jump up and head for the Ladies room.

4. Those VD warning movies from the 40s and 50s. There were never any girls in the room when they showed them, but if there had been one there, it would have been perverse and ironic if she were a flossie little roundheels.

Sex and cine-surfing don’t mix. Your underwear comes up missing and it could be anywhere.

Don’t do it during a Roadrunner cartoon. Wrong message.

Don’t do it in a theater that’s sold out.

If you and your partner cold-bloodedly plan to do it in advance, you can order your tickets through Fandango.

If you’re at the movies and you simply can’t restrain yourself, make sure that your partner is not a “screamer.”

4 Responses

  1. Another tip: beware of the usher who isn’t afraid to use their flashlight. In my days working at the theater, that was just as effective as spraying them with a hose, and twice as fun.

  2. I was never one to do the dirty at the cinema. But everyone knows of someone who has…

    Hmmm… maybe it doesn’t happen as mcuh as I think.

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