Dog movies

I don’t have a dog. I hold no brief against dogs, mind you, but if I’ve got to watch a dog movie, I prefer that it be one about a guy who has turned into a dog, so that it’s actually more a  guy movie than a dog movie. Beyond The Shaggy Dog (1959) and its remake, I don’t know what my choices are with this, but it’s what I want.

If  it must be a movie about an actual dog, I’ll settle for the following:

– A big, rabid dog like Cujo (1983).

– A dog that’s the spawn of Hell, like Beefy in Little Nicky (2000).

– Goofy or Pluto

– A zombie dog. Blood Creek (2009) has zombie horses. There must be a movie out there with a crowd of human zombies and their dogs – humans and dogs alike having gone to the dogs. A sexy female weredog would also be acceptable.

– A talking dog, as in Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2008).

Best would be a movie in which a cat, not a guy, turns into a dog. The owner whistles. The dog does not react. The owner shouts “Here, Spot! Come!” The dog does not react. The dog holds its tail straight up, weirding out the owner. The dog pads over to the sofa and stretches up to claw the cushions with those big black doggy claws. It keeps its tongue in its mouth.

No, wait. I’d rather go with a movie in which a monkey, not a cat, turns into a dog. The dog shows its teeth in a grin. It chatters. It eats a banana. It abuses itself.

Or if it’s got to be a movie about a real dog, maybe it’s a dog who turns into an octopus. A giant octopus, say, that pulls itself up onto the Golden Gate Bridge, and then along the bridge’s fast lane into the city, where it lifts all eight tentacles at once and pisses on a hydrant.

Worst movies where Dad promises to make it to the kid’s performance or game

The marriage hinges on it:

“You’re never here for him/her!”

“Honey, I swear I’ll be there for Heidi’s  Christmas play.”

“You’d better be, you $%##*&.”

In these movies, it’s sort of Dad’s last chance. Hey, I’ve been there. You work and work, miss a family dinner or two, the kid is asleep when you get home, so you sit down in front of the game and have a few drinks instead of helping her with her homework, and the next thing you know, the wife hands you an ultimatum: Get your ass to the Forndale Gammar School auditorium and onto one of the folding chairs tomorrow night or we’re through! Your daughter is Dixon or Ditson or whatever the frack that reindeer is named and  she wants you there to see it.

Even if I had made it, the wife would have come up with something else the next week.

5. Jingle All the Way (1996) – I don’t actually go to many movies, especially since the divorce. I used to go with the wife and kid but now I usually just stop in at the Beer Sponge instead. I know that Arnold is a busy guy, a businessman,  in this one. Maybe he didn’t have to go to a Christmas pageant in the movie, I can’t remember, but I was proud to have him as Governor.

4. Up (2009) – There must be a thousand movies where Dad just makes it in time, or doesn’t make it, or whatever. You could google them. Somebody told me that the dad misses his kid’s ceremony in this one. What about all those negligent moms? What about them?

3. Precious (2009) – Like the mom in this one? Mo’Nique? She’s no prize. The dad shows up on time, too, even if it’s just to sexually molest his daughter. This guy will never be governor of anything.

2. Liar, Liar (1997) – Jim Carrey misses his son’s birthday party because he is having sex with his secretary. I’m taking this one off the list, because it seems like an acceptable excuse to me.

1. Tiger Woods – He’s not a movie, but Tiger, or Eldrick, as his friends and the hookers like to call him, missed his daughter’s birthday party. It was the final straw, along with the hookers.