5 worst nature movies for kids

Nature’s hardest organic material is the tooth, which Nature invented a long time ago. My question is, why aren’t we up to our necks in teeth? Do the math: the shark maintains multiple rows of teeth. The teeth push forward as new ones grow in and the front row drops out. The shark has been around for 420 million years, minimum. Let’s say sharks average out at a billion total population at any given time on Earth (in the water) for 400 million years, with each shark growing and ejecting, say, 5,000 diamond-hard teeth in its lifetime. You can pack 1,000 shark teeth into a cube 8 inches on a side. Which all means that that thin, Earth-girdling black schist-like layer of compacted shark teeth 1850 feet down in the stratums, or stratii, is not thick enough, by half. What happened to those missing teeth?!?

And that’s not counting the teeth of the numerous species of Ichthysaurs over the millenia, or millenii.

Ask any school child this missing-tooth question and you’ll get either a blank stare, a reference to the fifth day of God’s creationist activities, or a confused discourse on why separating your waste into buckets of different colors is “green.” My question is, how come children cannot answer the shark-tooth question? Answer: children’s nature films and their demonstrable deficiencies.

The worst offenders:

5. The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004) – Hey, don’t get me wrong. I love SpongeBob.  But how many teeth does a sponge have? Plus, the movie lulls children into a false sense of security with respect to Nature and shark’s teeth. Movie’s message to kids: you won’t drown.

4. Bambi (1942) – Bambi is never shown eating meat, but I have a feeling that there is a subtle message present in the film. I just watched the scene again where Bambi’s mom buys the farm. Funny, I always thought she got roasted in a forest fire. But no. It’s a venison thing. Movie’s message to kids: there’s good eatin on those deer.

3. Deep Throat (1972) – These days, kids are liable to watch anything and then go out and try it. Monkey see, monkey do. Movie’s message to kids: teeth don’t matter.

2. Gone with the Wind (1939) – They burn down a fracking city in this movie. That’s a lot of carbon injected or ejected into the atmosphere. The filmmakers’ excuse? They’re ending slavery. Movie’s message to kids: you can increase your carbon footprint willy-nilly if you just think up a good excuse for it in advance.

1. Nosfertatu (1922) – Forget all those trillions of shark teeth. The teeth you need to worry about are the ones stuck in your neck at night. Confusing movie message to kids: drinking blood is a sex thing.

Honorable mention: Teeth (2007), which puts teeth in their rightful place.