Right number of wives?

Now that Big Love has entered its final season, if you’re a guy you’re probably asking yourself how many wives you should accumulate if and when you go polygamous. Inquire around, at work or sitting at the bar, and you’ll get all manner of uninformed opinions. My mom was born in Clearfield, Utah, in 1913, and Lord knows, she had her ideas; whereas my dad was born in the Smokies in 1910 and he cared a lot more about the family tree than he did about the actual number of spousal mates.

My advice to you, which comes straight from the school of hard knocks:

Avoid the single wife. You probably know this already. God did not put you on this Earth to secure a cook, sex partner, and mother of your children, and then to just retire to your den and watch football.

Avoid hooking up with two and only two women. Triangles never work out. The third leg always gets broke and if you’re not careful, that will be you.

Assuming that you’ve collected at least three women and are ready to marry them, first confirm that none of them are lesbians. Sure, it sounds like fun if one or two are daughters of Bilitis. You could take a night off once in a while. The sister wives will love each other even more than before.  Sorry. This love mix is zero-sum.  You do not want to wake up tumescent in the morning when your spouse of the day is only interested in your intellect, but has discovered that you don’t have one.

Do not marry wives of more than two different cultures, unless your primary interest lies in the area of international cookery. Otherwise, it’s this proverb and that proverb, this nostrum and that nostrum, this funny hat and that funny serape, and gloomy, grouchy grandparents from around the globe.

Marry at least four women and your bathroom will always be spotless. Not sure why, but it always works that way.

Have as many children as possible. Sex is always the problem in these marriages, but with enough kids on the scene, the problem goes away. Along with the sex.

Forget about one woman and multiple men. You’re more likely to get woke up at night by a brother husband than by your wife.

Forget about multiple women and multiple men. Remember when you were a kid and you were in a secret club with some other guys in the neighborhood? There’s a reason why there weren’t any girls in there with you.

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One Response

  1. Great advice!
    “Do not marry wives of more than two different cultures, unless your primary interest lies in the area of international cookery” – i’m not sure why I find this especially hilarious – maybe because its true? 😉

    Big Love is one of my favourite television shows – I can see you’re fond as well.

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