now that’s a bad horror movie

I don’t watch a lot of bad movies, at least not all the way through, and I don’t rant, because it’s unseemly.  When a movie turns bad, I bail. Course, I like a lot of movies that are commonly thought to be bad, but I’m not talking about those. I’m talking about, for example, the majority of movies that Roger Ebert calls out in Your Movie Sucks!

I did, however, unaccountably, sit through the horrible totality of  The New Daughter (2009). I can’t explain why, except to say that I wasn’t alone on the couch and didn’t want to offend. Having watched the thing, however, and at the cost of not being seemly, allow me a few words.

The movie slunk into theaters and slunk back out again, but remains prominent and multi-copied on the Blockbuster shelves. (Netflix has it at 2.5 stars, which I reduced to 1 star because I didn’t know how to make it 0 stars or perhaps minus-5 toilet seats.) Why did Kevin Costner make this movie? Was a member of his family being held hostage? Did he lose a bet? Is he going senile? He and director Luis Berdejo haven’t worked together before making this thing; I’m guessing that they won’t be working together again either.

Just to keep this short: it’s one of those movies in which a single parent (single for the convenience of the screenwriter) moves into a magnificent old house with his two kids, only to open a kitchen drawer days later and have hundreds of spiders come scampering out. Why? Because we’re still a long way from the end of the movie and things like this must happen in the meantime. I remember the last time I opened a drawer in my kitchen and hundreds of spiders swarmed out. I spent the next three weeks down the road in the local Holiday Inn (Room Free for the Day If You Spot a Roach – It Must Be Alive). Did I disclose, before signing the closing papers on the house? Well, I said that the house was haunted, which didn’t seem to bother the new owner.

One (of oh so many) inanities in the film: the plot is based upon the notion that an ancient super race consisted of male workers and a queen. The males could not live without the queen and now they need a new one (Costner’s daughter). Ants and ant farms abound. Evidently no one told the writer that worker ants are all female. Note to director of the remake: Instead of ghoulish zombie males, substitute female worker babes and cast a busty alpha babe for the queen.

So I’m going to end this with a spoiler, though I’m not sure it’s possible to spoil a picture that’s already less fresh than  a pail of milk left out in the sun all day – with spiders. In fact, if I give you something to look forward to in this movie, perhaps it’ll save you from waiting for a sensical denouement that never arrives. That being said, the spoiler: nobody but the director gets out of this movie alive. He, on the other hand, is out there somewhere right now, making another movie, which is the real horror.