What I’ve Learned from Movie Sex

What have I learned about sex, watching TV and movies? From Episodes 1-5, Season 1, of Hung (2009), I am taught that size matters. This knowledge, if true, can be of no particular use to any male, since as far as I know, in all normal circumstances, you’ve got what you’ve got and it’s not going to change. So if size matters, it doesn’t matter.

Moving on, the show teaches us that, the deed having been done, the participants continue their lives and perhaps their relationship according to interactive principles that have nothing to do with the deed itself. In this sense, sex is rendered minor, if not inconsequential. But then, contrariwise, sex can equal $$$ and the solution to life’s most difficult problems. In this sense, sex is rendered important, a life-saver.

Speaking of which, does anyone use the term “size queen” anymore? Seems like I haven’t heard it in years. Urban dictionary has an entry of course, but no data on current use. Hmm, Wikipedia: “This article needs additional citations for verification.” How would that work?

I was thinking that maybe I’d take a quick informal poll at my place of employment to find out if size matters around the office, but I’d better be careful. Many of the women that I would ask were born in countries other than the U.S. Might confuse the issue. What if in their country, the only size is “small”? What if small is beautiful? I want to be politically correct here. Best to go check with HR first… Ok, I went to HR. Didn’t want to just come out and ask the lady there if she thought that size matters, so I played it smart. I told her that a female co-worker had asked me if I thought size matters and was it ok with HR that she had asked me that? The HR lady said why did my co-worker ever ask me that in the first place? I wasn’t expecting such a question right back at me so I told her that I had asked the co-worker whether if I were a lot larger than normal, would that make me more attractive to her – you know, just to get her thinking about the subject in the first place. The HR person got prissy when I told her that, even though I had come to her in the first place. It was my idea to talk to HR, wasn’t it? Not hers. So then she got me moved out to “Q” wing, which I  thought had been closed years ago. Nobody out in Q but me and Bud and Cletis. Bud and Cletis were allowed to stay with the company after both won their suits on the basis of mental decrepitude. So, no in-house poll for me on whether the girls here think that size matters, not until they let me back into the main building, at least to use the cafeteria or the restroom (male).

Changing the subject, at the last company party I’m glad I didn’t throw my keys in the bowl.

And I must have learned more at the movies than a few simple facts about size. Let’s see… The Messenger (2009): [spoilers] Coming back from war and doing it with your ex-girlfriend, who is now engaged to somebody else, is not necessarily a good idea; hooking up with a newly bereaved war widow could work, but this film suggests that you should hold back on that, too. Youth in Revolt (2009): I’m too old for any of the learnings manifest here; nothing wrong with watching, though. The Eclipse (2010): Do it while she’s still alive.

As for how, exactly, to do “it,” I’m not getting too much from the movies: whether you’re on top or underneath, make sure that you’re panting for it in advance: this advice might work for the first night or the first week or the first month or the first year, but reenacting that typical movie scene of crazy passionate congress after, say, the ten-year mark of togetherness, would require the crazy sexual focus of a Maharishi Dontdoityourselfeveryjoor.

[to be continued]

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