What You Don’t Know About Dish Towels

[Headline, Huffington Post, 02/09/12] 1. You never have to wash a dish towel. Why not? Because you are wiping water off clean dishes with it, and that water is effectively washing the towel itself. If your dish towels get dirty, don’t blame the towels! 2. You can use a dish towel as a bath towel [...]

5 Foods You Should Never Eat Again

[Headline, Huffington Post] 1. That big kid’s candy. What were you thinking? He was bound to find out who did it. Was it worth it? You can answer me when they take the wire off your jaw. 2. Whatever it was that gave you food poisoning that time. 3. Rice and beans on a first [...]

WATCH: Bullfrog DOMINATES Video Game

[Headline, Huffington Post] You know that giant man spotted at Kim Jong-Il’s funeral? And now a giant bullfrog with super intelligence which croaks in the Korean bullfrog dialect? Coincidence? I think not. The North Koreans, at first glance, have accomplished nothing in the past few decades. Satellite photos taken at night show a black patch [...]

Unexpected New Cheerios Flavor

[Headline in The Huffington Post, 12/27/11] The unexpected can be a good thing or a bad thing. A flavor can be pleasant, unpleasant, or just plain strange. I remember putting something in my mouth once – I had to think about it first. I had to decide, is this something I want to do? Is [...]

Ugly Food That Tastes Good: The 12 Biggest Offenders

(Headline in Huffington Post) 1. A potato that looks like my Uncle Ralph. Isn’t it funny how one potato can look like Jesus Christ, but I get stuck with this thing? 2. Any carrot that resembles a penis. 3. Peas that have shriveled just a little, so their skin is wrinkled. It turns them into [...]

Teens Discover New Ways To Hide, Consume Alcohol

(Headline in The Huffington Post, 11/15/11) Just to be clear, teens invented alcohol, back in those prehistoric days when precious few of the tribe made it past the age of twenty. For the same reason, teens invented sex, hunting, gathering, and fur clothing. A fourteen-year-old girl, feeling rebellious like they do, had to take it [...]

The Purple diet

I’ve been asked, “If I go on the Purple diet, will I turn purple?” No. You will turn purple when you die; or at least, your bottom half will. It’s called lividity. But you probably already know that, what with Law and Order and CSI, so forth. The purpose of the Purple diet is to [...]

Miracle Diet: The Wormhole

Before leaving on vacation, I want to share a truly amazing diet aid with you. For only $49,999, I will send you a small wormhole, no larger than a fishoil capsule. It comes with a remote, plus onboard digital intelligence. Just swallow it and set your diet goal using the remote. Your wormhole will do the [...]

The Pits Diet

Want to lose weight? I wish you would, if you’re who I think you are, reading this. Look, it’s your health I’m concerned about, not the way you look in those Facebook pictures. I’ve got this iPhone app that removes 10 to 100 pounds from the photograph of a person, depending upon how you set [...]

The Classics Diet

Do you secretly want to lose weight, but you’d never admit it because you’re above all that? Diets are anti-intellectual? No diet includes quiche and Birkenstocks? Your spouse, the professor, would never use words like “fat,” “old,” “cow”? Do you eat with your finger raised? Your pinkie, I mean? Your pinkie finger, I mean? The [...]