PHOTO: Giant Man Spotted At Kim Jong Il Funeral

[Headline, Huffington Post, 12/30/11) I was at Abe Goldschmidt’s funeral, the indoor part, and there was a lady with a big hat sitting in front of me. I couldn’t see a thing. If I were this giant man, I could have looked over the hat. Overlooked the hat. Or, being a giant, I could have [...]

Thank you!

Hello. If you’ve received this email, I owe you a big Thank You! As part of my RA (Rudeness Anonymous) 12-step program, I am apologizing to you now for my past rude behavior, and thanking you for all that you’ve done for me. Or to me. Or is that the rudeness speaking? If I’ve said something [...]

My Life As A Mime

We lived in Flatfield, Iowa, next to a grain elevator. I was playing in the backyard with my mom when Silo #67 blew. It was one of those corn-dust explosions. The concussion ruptured my mom’s’ eardrums. My dad was standing outside the company headquarters at the time. He lost his eardrums too. In that moment, [...]

Tea Party vs Occupy

My dad is worth several billion  dollars. He keeps his money to himself. On Sunday nights after sex, he gives my mom a belly pack stuffed with large bills. That constitutes her working budget for the week. My mom hates this arrangement. She hates that my dad is so rich. He didn’t earn it. The [...]

I meet my congressman

I noticed in the news the other day that congress is in session for only 109 days out of 365. I realized that this meant my congressman must be very accessible, being in his office working for us voters all that extra time. I headed right down to see him, but his receptionist told me [...]

I become a presidential caucus delegate

I was contacted recently and recruited to the state presidential caucus. Amazing! My vote, on one single night, will help determine who runs for President of the United States next year. What a responsibility! Of course I knew when I got the call that I was being mistaken for another, real political guy with my [...]

My time as a monk

When I was in my 20s, I renounced the materialism of the Western world. I got a job on a freighter after obtaining my seaman’s ticket, and worked on the high seas until taking my accumulated pay and debarking for good at the port of Chittagong. I could have lived like a king for a [...]

I join the 1%

I was moaning and groaning about money and how I didn’t have any and how unfair it was. “Go see that young fellow David Dollhouse. He’s rich as Croesus. Maybe he’ll share,” my mom said. I had first met David Dollhouse (of the Rhode Island Dollhouses) out in the woods. Money’s no good in the [...]

My big break as a reporter

Folks ask me how I became successful in the field of newspaper reporting. Hard work, I answer. However, I did get one big break. I was just starting out as a cub reporter on the Parings Journal in northern Mississippi. I was walking down Main Street one evening at dusk and I came to John [...]

My Trip Around the World

I won a trip around the world. No strings attached. Free air travel (coach), free accommodations (1.5 stars or less), daily stipend for food and excursions. I won the trip at my wife’s company Christmas party. I was to leave on January 1st. One-year time limit. I could go anywhere I wanted, but I was [...]