Text Mistext

[texting the wrong person]

Stalker

- ive got a stalker!

- omg no way

- way facebook twitter texting

- did you reply

- no. b/c 2 creepy

- how creepy

- u know. hes interest. how about a drink and a movie

- whoa

- u know i am a little interest

- careful

- id like a date 4 once

- me too. but some stranger?

- he sent pic

- yeah if real. good looking?

- course. still. no way

- yeah

- still. BEG

- yeah me 2 i guess

-  how about it? dinner and a movie?

Vet

- Doctor, I’m worried about my schnauzer.

- What?

- There is hair loss and the skin underneath is red.

- Itching?

- There is some scratching.

- First, try shaving it.

- Shaving it? Won’t that look funny?

- I see it all the time. I’ll prescribe a cream.

- OK. Any special instructions with the cream?

- Twice a day liberally and stay off bicycles.

- What? Is this Dr. Jones, my vet?

- No, this is Dr. Smith, your ob/gyn.

Help from Mom

 - its just not working. i need your help

- i can help

- last night everything was going fine. it was working last night

- ok

- but this morning i started to get some static. it started ok but then it started to get really really weird.

- ok. how?

- you do one thing you expect a certain thing back u know?

- yes. what did you expect and what did you get?

- i didnt expect to have my hands tied

- you mean you couldnt fix?

- fix? my hands were tied

- so what did you try?

- try? my hands were tied

- how long have you had this problem?

- what? a weird problem like this? its like totally new.

- many folks have their hands tied many times and find statis when seeking help.

- mom r u nutz?

- mom? this is technical support in india. thank you for calling. go red socks.

Suicide Hotline

- im desperate. may do something crazy.

- talk to me

- may do something i regret. everything going wrong

- tell me about it

- im lonely so lonely. then i meet a guy

- and? 

- he seems  nice. we talk. i tell troubles.

- and?

- he just wants my body. making me crazy. to end it all.

- why u think the guys behave this way?

- they seem me you know they see how i look my body and they assume

- they see your body and they assume you want physical relationship

- yes. i am so tired. may just take pills end it

- no wait wait. don’t think this. all guys not same. you can have good life.

- you think so? there is hope?

- yes yes there is hope

- but how can i meet this guy

- i am the guy. dont worry just because i sell enlargement treatment to guys. we meet i show good time. please send picture for my look at your body.

Medical Report

- Mr. Jones?
- Yes
- I have your results.
- Thank you
- Apparently you have had relations with at least three different persons.
- Three diseases?
- Yes, with genetic markers indicating two women and a man, one old, one young, one very young. Different races.
- Catching?
- very. Avoid further relations before cure.
- If the diseases are passed on?
- First there will be itching. Then, a rash. Then, madness. Nose and eyeballs will drop off. After that it gets really bad.
- I’ll warn him.
- Wait, what? Who is this?
- The ex Mrs. Jones. What can you recommend for itching?

Bank Withdrawal

- I’m ready to make that withdrawal.
- OK.
- You ready?
- I am ready.
- In place?
- I am in place for withdrawals.
- I will walk in, get the money, walk out. It will be quick.
- Yes. Very quick.
- I hope to get a lot.
- As much as you want and need.
- I need it all ha ha.
- It is all available for withdrawal, Sir. Your complete account if you wish.
- My account, your account, all the accounts, ha ha. Here I go!
- Sir? This texting has disturbed our bank security for some reason. They will be speaking to you.

Emergency Travel Agent Contact

- Linda, I did not sign up for crocodile adventure.
- No need sign up
- No, I mean I don’t want this adventure.
- No refund
- OK, no refund, just get me out of here.
- Tour last four hour
- Linda, call the tour guide and tell him this is a big mistake.
- No mistake! Have fun!
- Linda, what is wrong with you? They are trying to get me on a croc. It’s madness.
- Croc no mad. Croc happy.
- Linda, do something before it’s too late.
- Me no Linda. Me BanJoo. Better put down phone. Need hand hold on. Croc like eat hand.

Pop Quiz

- The current size of the universe is explained in part by positing an inflationary period during expansion.
- True
- The universe is flat.
- False
- In one trillion years, only our galaxy and Andromeda will be visible to us.
- False
- 100 billion galaxies are visible from Earth.
- False
- Dark energy far outweighs dark matter in the universe.
- True
- We understand dark matter but not dark energy.
- False
- How did I do?
- How did you do? I answered the questions. How did I do?
- You answered? Clyde, it’s you, not Professor Smith? Those were my answers to the handout quiz questions, moron. It wasn’t a true/false quiz.
- You are an idiot. True or false? True.
- Oh yeah? Well all your falses but one were true. And that last true was false.moron. It wasn’t true/false.
- You are an idiot. True or false? True.
- Oh yeah? Well all your falses but one were true. And that last true was false.

Hot Date

- im totally lost

- i can help. where are you?

- on something called patterson street in front of an old white house with a picket fence

- ok. go straight ahead to the next intersection and turn left.

- ok… ok im turned

- keep going up and over the hill. GYPO.

- ok… ok im over the hill. sorry its so late. Be there AEAP

- not a problem. turn right at the blue post office box.

- its looking familiar. but ive never been to your house janie

- keep going.

- its… its… aw mom. i come for a visit and finally get a date with janie and you do this to me?

- she’s all wrong for you son. come in and i’ll give you milk and coookies.

Greetings from Space Lab

- Hi, Honey. Texting from space. Pretty cool, huh?

- $^&^ $%&  ^(*&

- What was that? Got a little garbled.

- @$%  #$%^  $%&^*#@%&$#

- Sorry. Try once more.

- @#$  Greetings Earthling

- Ha ha. Tad is that you? You should be in school.

- $#^#  There will be no school  @#$@%

- No school today? What is it, a holiday? Gosh it’s good to hear your text.

- @#$%  Earth will become holiday place for @#$@ race

- You were in a race? How did you do? Did you win?

- #@$@^@ We will win

- Great! Kiss your mom for me.

- @#$@% There will be no kisses. There will be no lips  #$#@

- Ha ha. Don’t worry son. You’ll be interested in girls soon enough.

- #@#$%^ yes we will keep some of the girls. the babes only.

-Tad, what kind of talk is that?

- @#$%@  All of your base belong to us  @#$%!$

- Ha ha. Well, so long, Son.

Imaginary Friend

- I shouldn’t be talking to you.

- Why not?

- My shrink says you’re not real.

- Well, you knew that already.

- He says it’s a bad habit.

- Maybe this isn’t me you’re texting.

- Oh, it’s you. I know it’s you.

- Well, if it’s me and I’m imaginary, how am I typing these messages?

- WTF?

- Riddle me that.

- Who is this? Dr. Klienermann? What have you done with my imaginary friend? What have you done with Lloyd?

- I’m just messing with you. I’m Lloyd.

- How can you text me? You aren’t real.

- Maybe your phone isn’t real. Maybe you aren’t real.

- Maybe the next check I send you won’t be real, Klienermann.

Confession

- Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

- Sinned?

- I feel the need to confess.

- Well… confess what?

- First of all, I’ve had impure thoughts.

- Impure… Listen, don’t worry about that. That’s normal. You’re a teenager.

- Second of all, I sort of cheated on a test at school.

- Cheated how?

- I sort of looked over on my buddy’s paper and sort of copied some of his answers.

-  Don’t worry about it. Everybody does that once in a while. You’re a bright kid. Your buddies have probably copied off of you plenty. Anything else?

- Yeah. I was texting like this and I sort of dinged up the front of the car. I worried about taking it home.

- You what! How many times have I warned you about that, Son! It’s coming right out of your allowance! You’re spending the weekend pulling crabgrass!