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A Real Lifesaver
I love my husband but he does have some anger-management issues. Most of the time he’s a real puppy dog, but when he loses it, he will clock me pretty good. I know I should report him to the law or head for a women’s shelter or something, but gosh, I just love the big lug. Sure, I’m abused, but are a bunch of shiners too much to pay for marital bliss most of the time? He works like a dog and I lay on the couch all day eating bon bons.
Afterward he beats me up, he’ll be apologetic for days and he swears that he’ll never do it again. Of course I don’t believe him, but I think that he believes it himself. Then when he starts getting wound up again, he’ll say that I made him do it.
Anyway, I was down at the hardware store the other day and I bought a 12″ cast-iron skillet that I needed, as I do cook. The thing weighed a ton. A black beauty. You can’t hurt it. I accidentally left the fire on under it the other night after cooking dinner and although it got hot enough to melt lead, it was otherwise unscathed.
The other wonderful thing about the skillet is that I’m strong enough to take it by the handle and give my hubby a whack in the noggin with it that will send him into cuckoo-land on the kitchen-floor linoleum for a good ten minutes. When he comes to, he isn’t angry any more. His head hurts too much. You can also make an unbelievable omelette in it.
Classic Bug
I bought a classic ’67 VW bug from a guy relocating to Florida. I paid him fifty cents, which was all I had at the time, and moved in immediately.
The bug sat in an empty lot on 116th Street. No wheels, but the doors still locked. A good growth of tall weeds surrounded it and provided a rustic feel.
The seats were long gone and the floor was covered in layers of cardboard. Pretty ritzy! This was a movie up from an ancient Morris Minor for me. Luxurious. I’ve got a buddy who lives in a Buick up on 125th by the river. He’s got room in there to invite some folks over, they smoke a J, drink a little Thunderbird; in other words, he entertains. He’s like that. Me, not so much.
It’s part of the American Dream, right? Own your own place. King in your castle. As far as I’m concerned, ’67 was the last good year for bugs. After that, they switched to those ugly new bumpers, which I hate.
Heat
You ask me, flame throwers don’t get the respect they deserve. Well, maybe they do if you’re facing some guy with one in your hands, all lit up and ready to barbeque him. But I mean from day to day, hanging around the office, bs-ing with your friends. Unless they’re into Call of Duty or suchlike, you’re lucky to find a guy who has built a flame thrower from a kit. As for women, forget about it!
To be clear, I’m not talking about these safer, commercial, gas-streaming models. I’m talking about manning up and throwing a good long stream of burning liquid out there onto a crowd or building.
Yes, I was a yellow, underweight weakling with thinning hair, cardboard lifts in my shoes, and a congenital fear of leafy vegetables. Yes, my mom forced the vegetables, either raw or cooked to a consistency of gray-green mush. Yes, I wouldn’t play outdoors.
But then my dad died and I was able to sneak down into the basement without him threatening to kill me, and it didn’t take long to find the heat. Two tanks of oil-based liquid fuel, a tank of compress butane, a gun housing, and an ignition valve. My first trip over to the playground where all those little rats from my class hung out, that was probably the best day of my life!
Filed under: Culture, Family, Gags and other short stuff, Worth1000 contests | Tagged: Humor, Contests, Endorsements | 1 Comment »
Samples on the Flip Side
Her response was of the “Flip, side with me, please” type.
I’m on the dyslexic side. Flip the phrase around.
For her hair, she chose The Flip. Side view, not bad; full on, not so good.
Before an American football game comes the flip. Side that wins the coin toss chooses to receive or to defer.
Thanks, dudes. See you on the flip side.
Filed under: 100 Word Challenge | Tagged: challenges, Humor, writing | 4 Comments »
Man Adopts his 42-Year-Old Girlfriend
Headline, Huffington Post]
The guy’s name is Marvin. Once Sue was all adopted, he took her home to meet his former mom and dad, now his adopted son and daughter.
“Fred and Betty,” he said to them, “meet your new sister Sue.”
“Keep it down,” his daughter said. “Your son is taking his nap.”
The elderly woman was trying to assemble a lego jeep.
“I’m sure glad to be here,” said Sue. “Say, Betty, can I help?”
“You can go make dinner,” said Betty. “After you put in a load of wash.”
Sue frowned.
“I meant, can I play with you,” she said. “I’m not your slave.”
“Now, kids,” chuckled Marvin. “Don’t start scrapping. Remember, I love you all equally.’
“We’ll see about that tonight,” said Sue.
“Whoa, there, Pilgrim,” said Betty. “This is a Christian home.”
“Remember that when you hear me shouting Oh God! tonight,” Sue said.
”Marvin!” Betty said.
Spot, Marvin’s other son, came in through the doggy door.
“Woof.”
“Oh, goody,” said Sue. “I always wanted a brother, and not some old geezer asleep at two in the afternoon. Spot, sit boy! Roll over!”
Marvin took Sue aside.
“Baby,” he said. “I’m afraid that tonight’s off.”
“What? Just because you’re my daddy?”
“No. I adopted myself today, too. I’m your big brother now. I’ve got to look out for you, and that includes not letting your daddy take advantage of you.”
Filed under: Family | Tagged: adoption, family, Humor | 1 Comment »
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Filed under: Blogging, Sexual Issues | Tagged: Blogging, Blogs, writing | 2 Comments »
Walmart Evicts Workers Living In Store Parking Lot
[Headline, Huffington Post, 02/10/12]
All over America, there are husbands temporarily living in their car after a fight with their wife. Where do they wash up, shave, and brush their teeth every day? At work, of course. Many sleep under their desk rather than in the vehicle.
(In which other countries does this occur? There was a vogue in Finland, until a spate of hypothermic incidents led to a dramatic increase in widows; in Romania, husbands woke up sharing their automobile with a family of gypsies; in China, to find an iPad assembly line in the back seat; etc.)
In general, companies are comfortable with this situation. The employee stops asking to “work from home.” Commute time is zero. Employees purchase all their necessaries right there in the store, instead of letting their mate at home go cruising out to Safeway every day. So what went wrong at Walmart? All seemed copacetic. Right next door at Target, a husbands’ support group was meeting in an RV in the parking lot. On the other side, husbands were quietly dumpster-diving at Jack in the Box.
It turns out that Walmart experienced an uptick in husbands living in their cars, not due to domestic discord, but to avoid onerous chores and childcare duties at home. These men were telling their wives that Walmart was making them work around the clock. That to keep their job, they had to “work late.” Then they would party all night long in the lot, in Winnebagos tricked out as huge mancaves.
The bottom 80% of workers at Walmart are moms, many harried. When they found out what was going on, they threatened a Spartacus-like revolt. The parking-lot husbands, including many Walmart executives, were sent home.
Filed under: Culture, News and Politics | Tagged: homeless, Humor, walmart | 3 Comments »
Cat from Hawaii found in Ohio
[Headline, CNN]
I was sitting on my porch when I saw a cat coming down the street. He was obviously lost. I whistled him over and as I scratched his head, I checked his collar. He was from Hawaii.
I went inside and found some chocolate-covered macadamia nuts and a little leftover poi and brought it out to him. He wolfed it all down. I could tell he was hungry.
I called my sister, who lives in Wailea.
“I’ve found a lost cat,” I said. “His collar says he lives in Kihei.”
“Why, that’s right down the road,” my sister said. “Where are you?”
“Home in Ohio.”
“I’ll be darned. Well, put him on a plane to Kahului and I’ll meet him there and take him home.”
“Thanks, Sis.”
I had a carrier that I bought at Target after a lost dog showed up from Paris and caught me unprepared. I put this little guy in it (his name was Kamehameha) and took him down to our local airstrip. He had to make a connection in Columbus but after that he had a straight shot to the islands.
Filed under: Pets and Other Animals | Tagged: dogs, Humor, pets | 4 Comments »
What You Don’t Know About Dish Towels
[Headline, Huffington Post, 02/09/12]
1. You never have to wash a dish towel. Why not? Because you are wiping water off clean dishes with it, and that water is effectively washing the towel itself. If your dish towels get dirty, don’t blame the towels!
2. You can use a dish towel as a bath towel but you shouldn’t use a bath towel as a dish towel. This is because you can rub a dish on your bottom, for example, but you ought not rub your bottom on a dish. Wait a minute. Does that make sense?
3. If you are a guy and you want to meet girls at the beach and you take a dish towel out there and spread it out on the sand, instead of a beach towel, hoping to get the “Aw, isn’t that cute” reaction, go home. Stay there.
4. If you are a gal and you want to meet guys at the beach and you take a dish towel out there and spread it out on the sand, instead of a beach towel, hoping to get the “Aw, isn’t that cute” reaction, and you also wear a seriously tiny bikini, and you’re cute, then the size, shape, and color of the dish towel will prove immaterial to your success.
5. In the case of a kitchen fire, knotting together dish towels to use as a rope out the window will get you an “Aw, geez!” reaction when the fire-fighters finally reach you (your remains).
6. On a happier note, disagreements about dish towels and bathroom-guest towels come in at #7 on the list of common reasons for divorce. I believe that guest towels and their use are the real culprit here.
7. You can use a dish towel as an oven mitt, but don’t use an oven mitt as a dish towel. I think a lot about this. It’s a metaphor.
Filed under: Family, Food, Diet, and Diets | Tagged: food, Humor, writing | 6 Comments »